Nothing like you..

You created hell on earth for me

And I know when I look within

That I’m so much more than

How disposable you made me feel

Who do you think you are?

Robbing souls like they’re yours for the taking

I’m not the first, and I bet

I won’t be the last

You’ve robbed me

You stole from me

A whole year of my precious life is gone

Because of you, and your forked tongue.

You’ll never know how this hurt me

You’ll never know how this changed me

But, I’ll bet, if the truth be told

You don’t give a shit, do ya?

All things work for good to those who love God

And that means I’m in line for greatness

But, you, sir, are getting hotter and hotter

With every breath you take…

This was a road I had to travel alone

And alone I made it, with God’s help

But, there’s that word you can’t fathom again

Alone- You can’t make it on your own.

Finally, I’ve healed, and I’ve met someone new

He’s a great lover of God

And every single day I’m thankful, that,

He’s nothing at all like you.

Bub with an A-

I look into your eyes, and see so much inside you

And yet, so little, too

How can you be so deep, but,

So shallow all the same

Your mood turns from loving

To disgust, at the flip of a switch

How can ANYONE be strong enough

to get through all of this?

You’re a stallion

A power house of sorts

But in reality, my man so strong,

Humble isn’t a weakness like you think

I watch you protect those around you

And I see your steady stance

I saw you care for that little girl

and hug her when she missed her chance

I can’t spend another minute wondering about you

And nor will I try

We’re just too different, darling

It’s a given that you won’t cry.

The thing you don’t realize, is,

I won’t shed a tear, once again

I’ll care from afar

But I won’t be dying within

It was close, but so far still away

It was almost, but you know

Just like I,

That almost just doesn’t count.

Transference

Transference

She’d rather you dead
Than to go on living this way
You were never good enough
You didn’t belong from the beginning
She cried out with anger and tears when you were conceived
Maybe this is what makes you tick..
But..

Your Trans,
Transference
Isn’t going to revive you
You can’t be saved
Until you become you
And then you’ll finally see

Your job isn’t enough, and you’ve been missing too much
She said this to you, and you were killed inside
You couldn’t work, or look, or talk, or breathe
Good enough for make her love you as deserved,
Like you said though,
“you may not know a lot of things, but you know that you tried”
But..

Your Trans,
Transference
 Isn’t going to revive you
You can’t be saved
Until you become you
And then you’ll finally see

And as the story goes
Leaving parts out here and there
I got a piece of you
If there was a sliver left
And I saw in your little eyes
All the reasons why
Your insecurities shined bright
But as I always told you
I wished so badly you could see you
Through my eyes,
But you couldn’t, you just wouldn’t..
It was just another transference
But...

Your Trans,
Transference
 Isn’t going to revive you
You can’t be saved
Until you become you
And then you’ll finally see
The you that’s meant to be…

I can

What I’d give to hear those words just once more

But, our time has come to pass

What I’d give to feel you just for a moment or breathe you in

But I have to keep my head

I can’t let myself replay that movie again

Because the end is my repeated harsh reality

The movie’s ending is my living nightmare.

I don’t want to dream because then I’ll awaken

But, I don’t want to be awake because then I can’t dream

Sometimes, when I let it happen…

I can still smell you

I can feel you hugging me closely

I can hear your voice          

I just felt you breathe

And now, the tears again…

The sun is shining bright, and these are the days I long for

I said I wouldn’t cry during summer, but a tear just hit the floor

It’s easier than when it rains, but it hurts just the same

I don’t do the self inflicted pain now, though

And I turn away when someone says your name

I haven’t looked at your wall, or cared to hear your falls

I can’t drive to that side of town without feeling so sick inside

Why can’t you move away?

I can still smell you

I can feel you hugging me closely

I can hear your voice          

I just felt you breathe

And now, the tears again…

I haven’t had sex in so long its painful

And I can’t even begin to imagine what it’d be like without you

Why did you do the one thing I begged of you not to do?

Why did you let me fall so deep into you, if you weren’t going to be there to catch me

I ran, and I ran again, but you were always faster.

I ran , and I ran again, but I caught up as passed you…

And now? I’m fucking drowning in my own skin. How can my own existence be my own death?

I want to block out thoughts of you

So I don’t lose my head

They crawled in like a cockroach

Leaving babies in my bed…

I can STIlLL smell you

I can feel you hugging me closely

I can hear your voice

I just felt you breathe

And now, the tears again..

I convince myself that I hate you and that worked for a while

I convince myself that you’re in love with her, and that works temporarily too

Isn’t it sick that I’d rather you cuss me out than let me walk past you in silence? Please cuss me out again. Tell me you hate me… because at least then I’ll know that you’re still masking your feelings with anger. At least that’ll be something.

I’m not lost without you

But I’ve lost the love of my life

I can go on just fine

I can live, and breathe, and smile

But damn it, will I EVER get YOU out of my head?

I can’t save myself, from myself with regards to you ..

I want this to end with the words… I can’t… but…

I CAN still smell you

I CAN feel you hugging me closely

I CAN hear your voice

I just felt you breathe

And now… it’s these moments I cling to.

Fast Forward

You are with me all the time

Quieted only by loud music

And a drink, or smoke

I'm suffocated by it, now

But only for a while

I will break free, won't I? 

Cuz when the lights go out, 

And the music stops.. 

I choke to my own death 

And just as the sun comes up 

I breathe again not knowing why..

I got the news, although I assumed 

I never dreamed you'd go back

To a life you didn't choose 

But there you sit proud next to her

In a seat that was mine, 

There you sit next to her.. 

In a building, with a steeple.. 

Didn't you know that was built for me?

Cuz when the lights go out, 

And the music stops.. 

I choke to my own death 

And just as the sun comes up 

I breathe again not knowing why..

And then in a strange and foggy way

It hits me smack in the face, 

That wasn't my life, Or my seat, 

It wasn't my church, or my family

And through my eyes so filled with tears, and in my life so filled with fears I find that.... I'm proud of you. 

Cuz when the lights go out, 

And the music stops.. 

I choke to my own death 

And just as the sun comes up 

I breathe again...

Thinking maybe, just maybe, today the fast forward button finally was pressed...

Hurt finds me again.

In the middle of my normal, and good day..... the only one thing that has the power to shift my world, re-enters.
I find fault in myself for allowing this to hurt, and affect me so deeply. Why did I run directly to you, when you called, especially after all the times you ran away from me, when I reached out? I guess, because I was blinded a bit by my love for you.

Somewhere very deep, and dark inside my soul, I find strength in all of this. I now know that the next time you call, I cannot run to you. I cannot save you anymore. I can no longer be the girl that patiently waits in silence for this man she THOUGHT she knew, and loved so much. Let's face it, gorgeous, that person... well, the person I believe you to be just isn't you, is it?

"The me you had was too sensitive. Too caring. I had to be that way for you"... Are there multiple personalities involved here? Because either, that's the person that you are, or it just isn't. If it isn't, why did you lie and pretend to be so amazing for so long? If it is, why did you blanket yourself with this thing you call your "fire" once again? Haven't you realized YET, that, GC hasn't done well for your life?

 Again, I question this. I'm caught up. It took less than 24 hours to entangle me in this insane little web you weave, whereby I'm compared to a girl who has no soul. I'm sized up, summed up, and torn apart for every aspect of every portion of everything that defines me. I look longingly into my mirror. My personal mirror that reflects every single wrong thing I've ever done to anyone in life. Am I ugly? Inside, Am I ugly? The answer is no. I'm just not. I'm strong, steady, solid, and stable. I can love above and beyond anyone's wildest dreams... but you already know that, don't ya? I am tired of you being able to make me feel sick, and less than whole. I'm tired of questioning myself because of whatever it is that you find to be your reality. Why does this happen, and why only with you? I don't know, but one day I'll be given clarity. Until then, I'll deal with this pain, upset, and torment all on my own, and with God. I'll feel whole again in time, just like all the other times before. The difference? I won't allow you to EVER AGAIN turn my whole world upside down.

Dear God, please allow the questions, and the confusion to go away. Please, overcome the enemy on my behalf, and help me get through this for the final time. I beg of you, to help me find understanding, clarity, and peace in all of this. You are the only person I trust. You are my strong tower. You are my God, my father. I expect to be helped, and brought out of this misery, for the final time. This I ask in Jesus name... Amen...

" I'm moving on"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

"The heart of the Matter"

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
...People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

"The promise"

I swore I'd never regret it, but I do more than I can say.
You see I promised God, and myself, that it wouldn't be this way
There was only supposed to be one, just one,connection so strong
But, now, Three times wrong...

Repent, little child, and it will be wiped away
I'm so sorry Dear God
But the hurt seems- here to stay

It's just the way we were built
But the death of me now
is in that verdict of guilt.

So I walk half a girl
with a heart no longer beating
So I live half a world
where the past can't keep repeating

Mistake free, I want to start over new

there's just one problem with that
I cannot forget you.

"Breathe Again"- Alter Bridge

I have played the part
I have all but lost my soul
And I have sacrificed
For what it's worth, I just don't know

In the silence of my heart
There is a distant call
Yeah
It beckons me to stand apart

So I set out on my own
Just to breathe again
Touch the light that calls me home
Just to reach the end
Where I'm free to breathe again

Through the suffering
Through the misery and pain
Never anything
But the will to see the day
When the promise might be born
Light the spark within
Yeah
'Cause I can't take it anymore

So I set out on my own
Just to breathe again
Touch the light that calls me home
Just to reach the end
Where I'm free to breathe again

Well I am free to roam
And set out on my own
To rise above the hands that try to hold me down
Before the end, I know I'll breathe again
To find my way

So I set out on my own
Just to breathe again
Touch the light that calls me home
Just to reach the end

I'm leaving today
I'm leaving today
I'm leaving today

"FB"

What an addiction you have created

You must be so proud

Millions and millions of people

In this social crowd..

You never stopped to think

What each of us might feel

another changed relationship status

Before we’ve had time to heal

Oh good! he’s flirting for all the world to see

My heart is breaking with pain

How can this be?

And yet another flirt comes through the feed

And still no one stops to think

Blinded by the greed

And one girl is visibly attacking another

Who backs away with fright

Yet she just keeps picking

This same scary fight

She’s scared to go to school

Afraid to go to work

That’s the effect of the online words

Of such a hateful jerk

Let’s not forget the pictures

Of those that share their lives

Pictures of married husbands

Cheating on their wives

And did you know that Suzie was pregnant?

Well I’m sure you do now

It’s become an open discussion

That, for him, she dropped trow

I’m sure she’s not proud

And I’ll bet she knows this too

That she’s entered a life of pain

So who the HELL are you?

I fail to see the good

That comes from all the pain

So, other than your Money

Mr. Zuckerberg

What the hell’s the gain?

Ugh!

I don’t stare at the phone anymore

Hoping you might call

I don’t hear your footsteps

Walking down my hall

I can’t feel you breath

I can’t really remember your touch

But this I DO still remember

That I loved you SO much

I don’t listen for the cars outside

And think you came to visit

I don’t have the HOPE to think it’s real

Because it just isn’t, is it?

I don’t look at this screen

And wait for an e-mail with your name

It hasn’t happen so for

So I assume today will be the same

I guess this is life now

Without you in my heart

I guess this is me trying

To have MY brand new start

One thing I know for sure

And I’ll die with this being true

I won’t cry or beg anymore

Because I don’t have you

Sure I go through times

And phases where I think

I should TRY once more

To fix this broken link

But ANY relationship takes two

I can’t do all the work

So if you EVER meant ANY of it

Stop being such a jerk

Make a call please

Or send me a simple text

I promise that you won’t regret

What would happen next.

"Little Eyes"

The mirror is just your reflection

While I see inside you

You see what’s on the surface

But why, oh why, can’t you look deeper inside yourself?

Stands before me, a man, mysterious and quiet

Gorgeous, and tall

So serene, and calm

The world doesn’t shake your stance

Standing there, still, and strong through it all

You’ve weathered so much in this world so cruel and cold

You’ve weathered it alone…

Weren’t you scared?

Were you afraid or nervous?

Acceptance is what it seems your in search of,

You are wondering where you fit

Well maybe, just maybe

Right here, with me, is it.

I see your gorgeous, but, oh so little eyes

They speak volumes to me

And I’m constantly in search of ALL

There is to you.

You sing of the hurts and trials

That have come to pass in your life

But you still feel as though NO ONE

Gets it, or understands your strife.

I’m not telling you that I can always understand

Or that I’ll always feel the same, my love,

But I AM telling you, with certainty,

That you will NEVER be alone again.

NEVER is a strong word

And one that I mean with all my soul

Just try me, babe, and you’ll see

I’ll love you, and make you whole

Oh little eyes, that see only so much

Why don’t you look a little deeper

My gorgeous man, just please..

Look a little deeper..  

I see you, my love

I really, deeply see who you are

And I’m in awe

At your strength, my shining star

Take a step back and see what I see

My gorgeous man,

See what I see

And you’ll be in love with you

Does what’s looking back from your mirror

Seem a bit more pleasing?

It should, baby boy,

Because I’m not just appeasing

Your gorgeous outside and in

You are MY man

And I’m so lucky, and thankful

My gorgeous, little eyes, who see only so much…

Open them brighter and see a little more

There’s so much more to you

Than you let yourself believe..

Let me see.

Let yourself see

Let everyone see….

"Father Eve"

So here I am, fighting back tears because of the flame that I could always see with you

Even through glassy teared eyes I could see it flickering.

I never let go of the flame that I saw within you

I always knew that there was more…

It’s different now though, the flame doesn’t burn anymore

Last night, stomped that flame to the ground

The ashes are barely visible,

And I just cling to what’s closest for embrace

Is there anyway to spark that flame again?

I don’t think so

Is there anyway to watch it burn?

I’ve given up

I should call you Eve, as you drank the forbidden Drink

What would be your eternal price?

Because to me, dear old friend

It seems that I get to pay the price for your mistakes

It’s different now though, I will pick myself up

Tough love like you’ve never seen or known before

I’ll make a life all my own

Because it’s too late for us

Is there any way to spark that flame again?

I don’t think so.

Is there any way to watch it burn?

I’ve given up.

You see me through the distance

And you KNOW I will succeed

You’ll hear about me from time to time

And you’ll KNOW that I succeeded

I don’t need you anymore, and I don’t have to hold on

Strap yourself in and watch the show

Because THIS GIRL WILL SUCCEED

Without you…. I must go on…

Is there any way to spark that flame again?

Only you can know

Is there any way to watch it burn?

That flame is the flame of hope..

AND-I can smell only the smoke…

"us"

I’m shaking

My heart is thumping hard, and loud

I can’t think clearly

I’m losing control

I’m light headed, and my vision is blurry

I’m tired but yet can’t sleep

Restlessness in full force

Hunger, yet, nausea too

I can think of only one cure

And that is you..

So I cry out to you and beg you to care

But instead you left me all alone there

No Knife could cut so deep

As you leaving me there to weep

So I pick myself up and learn to be strong

I don’t know what or how

To carry on

In friends I find comfort. Power, and strength

But you find judgment in the company I keep

So what am I to do?

Because in your eyes I always fail

You made all these choices

Yet, somehow, you prevail

The battle of spirits at war once again

I should have known

That yours would win.