I can

What I’d give to hear those words just once more

But, our time has come to pass

What I’d give to feel you just for a moment or breathe you in

But I have to keep my head

I can’t let myself replay that movie again

Because the end is my repeated harsh reality

The movie’s ending is my living nightmare.

I don’t want to dream because then I’ll awaken

But, I don’t want to be awake because then I can’t dream

Sometimes, when I let it happen…

I can still smell you

I can feel you hugging me closely

I can hear your voice          

I just felt you breathe

And now, the tears again…

The sun is shining bright, and these are the days I long for

I said I wouldn’t cry during summer, but a tear just hit the floor

It’s easier than when it rains, but it hurts just the same

I don’t do the self inflicted pain now, though

And I turn away when someone says your name

I haven’t looked at your wall, or cared to hear your falls

I can’t drive to that side of town without feeling so sick inside

Why can’t you move away?

I can still smell you

I can feel you hugging me closely

I can hear your voice          

I just felt you breathe

And now, the tears again…

I haven’t had sex in so long its painful

And I can’t even begin to imagine what it’d be like without you

Why did you do the one thing I begged of you not to do?

Why did you let me fall so deep into you, if you weren’t going to be there to catch me

I ran, and I ran again, but you were always faster.

I ran , and I ran again, but I caught up as passed you…

And now? I’m fucking drowning in my own skin. How can my own existence be my own death?

I want to block out thoughts of you

So I don’t lose my head

They crawled in like a cockroach

Leaving babies in my bed…

I can STIlLL smell you

I can feel you hugging me closely

I can hear your voice

I just felt you breathe

And now, the tears again..

I convince myself that I hate you and that worked for a while

I convince myself that you’re in love with her, and that works temporarily too

Isn’t it sick that I’d rather you cuss me out than let me walk past you in silence? Please cuss me out again. Tell me you hate me… because at least then I’ll know that you’re still masking your feelings with anger. At least that’ll be something.

I’m not lost without you

But I’ve lost the love of my life

I can go on just fine

I can live, and breathe, and smile

But damn it, will I EVER get YOU out of my head?

I can’t save myself, from myself with regards to you ..

I want this to end with the words… I can’t… but…

I CAN still smell you

I CAN feel you hugging me closely

I CAN hear your voice

I just felt you breathe

And now… it’s these moments I cling to.

Fast Forward

You are with me all the time

Quieted only by loud music

And a drink, or smoke

I'm suffocated by it, now

But only for a while

I will break free, won't I? 

Cuz when the lights go out, 

And the music stops.. 

I choke to my own death 

And just as the sun comes up 

I breathe again not knowing why..

I got the news, although I assumed 

I never dreamed you'd go back

To a life you didn't choose 

But there you sit proud next to her

In a seat that was mine, 

There you sit next to her.. 

In a building, with a steeple.. 

Didn't you know that was built for me?

Cuz when the lights go out, 

And the music stops.. 

I choke to my own death 

And just as the sun comes up 

I breathe again not knowing why..

And then in a strange and foggy way

It hits me smack in the face, 

That wasn't my life, Or my seat, 

It wasn't my church, or my family

And through my eyes so filled with tears, and in my life so filled with fears I find that.... I'm proud of you. 

Cuz when the lights go out, 

And the music stops.. 

I choke to my own death 

And just as the sun comes up 

I breathe again...

Thinking maybe, just maybe, today the fast forward button finally was pressed...