Break the line

She's a fish on your string

Won't you break the line?

The answer's still no

So stop professing that you're mine

An imperfect day

And your phone tempts you so

you text her old number

For yet another blow 

In no time at all

She's on her way to your arms 

But little do you know

You're the only one it harms

When the nights get cold

And you need tenderness and care

You roll over and it's her

Instead of me laying there

And then one day 

The game finally comes to an end

I'm not even an option

And It's beyond any kind of mend 

You're lost 

Unclear of where you went wrong

Only one certainty

Forever, I'm gone.

My God, My Father

You’re there when I’m awake

You’re there when I’m asleep

You’re present in all do

You sent your Angels for my safe keep

Although I sometimes don’t understand

And it doesn’t seem to make sense

Faith is a word I’ve come to know

And I trust my sin’s you’ll rinse

I trust in you in all I do

And never am I alone

I love you Dear, Father,

And I want to meet you beside your Throne

You’ve carried me

When I couldn’t take another step

You’ve given me strength

And held me while I’ve wept

There aren’t enough words

To explain

My gratitude for your love

And endurance of your pain

Work through me to bless the lives of others

Help my lips to form words of peace

Let me be a strength to those in need

And may your following increase

I love you

And I give my life to you

I’m a vessel

I’m obedient, and true

Thank you Father, for loving me

For making me more like you

Thank you my Father

For absolutely EVERYTHING you do…

Fly away, Ghosts..

Dear Ghosts that haunt me,

You’re the ghost that holds my heart. You should have called me by now, if everything I thought was true. I just knew that you couldn’t handle all of this without me there to help you. I was wrong, though. I’ve been thrown for a loop. Well, maybe I need you, but, you wouldn’t really care, would you? No, you wouldn’t. No, you don’t. You might be the only other person who can even begin to understand how this feels, how I feel, how scarred I am. You might be the only one who can save me, and with that, I’ll be dead before the sun goes down today. Do you keep me at a distance because it hurts too badly? Are you afraid of what you might see on the other side? Well, you’re safe here, just like you’ve always been, and like you’ll always be. Call out to me, and I’ll come running. Wanna see ME lose all care about anything else? I’ll be there every single time. For you. Only for you.

And you, you’re the ghost of things not real. You’re pretty, aren’t ya? But nothing inside you is whole. You can’t be true to one, not even yourself. I feel so sorry for you. You’re all mixed up inside. You’re hurting, and you’re confused, but you have to pour it out to make it right. So, pour it out to someone. Be who you really are. Don’t transfer from one to another. Be who you are. Whoever that is, someone will love. I promise you. Just, be who you are.

You’re the ghost of my unintended hurts. I want to tell you that I’m sorry for the things I did. You have a disease that I couldn’t handle any longer. But, I know you couldn’t help it. You just couldn’t stop. I was cold, and I laughed in your face when you showed me your heart. I moved on before you did, and left you a hurting wreck. I wish so badly that you knew that was never my intent. I never wanted to harm you. I loved you. You were a good friend, of mine. I just couldn’t be in love with the person that you turned out to be. I hope one day you can see that, and forgive me for all the times I made up an excuse for you to go. I’m sorry…. But…. If it’s any help to you, I’m paying for it now, ten fold.

The ghost of all things that make me who I am: Would you just go the fuck away? Would you just lie down somewhere, and let me be? I have a right to see clearly, and go on with my life, but you keep me bound up in all the things that you are. If only I had done this, or said that. If only I looked this way, or that. If only… If only… If only… And all the questions that go through my mind, are going to land me a chair in a padded room. I don’t know how to break loose of all that keeps me tied up. God hasn’t broken it loose from me yet, even through all my prayer.

 Peace is my best friend. Peace is where I all my ghosts fly far, far away…..

Peace….

permanent lid.

It’s not going to pan out you said, well, then why

Are you still in her bed?

Why is she writing on your wall

And why am I left here to take the fall?

Why does your kind get away without a scratch

No hurt feelings because you only ACT attached

You can’t feel the ties that bind

And half a person, is she, that’s left behind

Who do you think you are

Running around, leaving scars,

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart?

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

But don’t come back to me…

Who do you THINK you are?

Those are the lyrics to a well known song

About a guy who proved his girl wrong

He lied and made her think and feel

But those things he said, well, they weren’t real

And the words you made me believe

The hurt in my stomach that medicine doesn’t relieve

The halfness of who I am now

And all the questions, of just HOW?

Will I look back on this some day and laugh

Will I never be whole again, but, forever half

Will we be married and normal in the future

Or are you waiting for the time that best suits her?

I wonder what advice I’d give my friends

I’d tell them to stop, and put contact to an end

But that’s so hard when your hearts involved

Distance doesn’t equal the problem solved

So I’ll say goodbye and turn off my head

I’ll concrete my heart, and mask this dread

I’ll pretend that I don’t love you and never did

The jar with my heart, has a permanent lid.

No regrets, I guess.

Today, reality has sunken in. I woke up at 4AM, and wasn’t able to fall asleep again. Why? Satan flooded my mind with thoughts of you, and your new life. Are you happy now? Is she somehow better than me? I realize that it isn’t normal to have thoughts like this, but after you, and the one before you. Insecurity is all I seem to know.

I ask myself if I have regrets, and the truth is, I really don’t. My only regret is going against my better judgment in the FIRST place, when I knew that you weren’t solid. Another regret, is, I think I am one of the ONLY people in this world, who has the ability to look so deep inside a person’s soul. I don’t know if you’ve ever had ANYONE care enough to reach down as deep, as I did. I guess, my regret with that, is… I didn’t fix you. I didn’t surface the things inside you that cause you to feel inadequate. Well, all I can say is… “pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you’re nothing, you’re f’n perfect to me”…. (with the exception of dishonesty, of course, but I’m convinced you couldn’t help it)…

You said it may not be now, it may not be 6 months, or a year from now, hell- It may be FIVE years from now, but.. one day, you’ll marry me. Remember that? I cling to that sometimes, on days like today… because, I believe with all my soul, that you meant it. You meant that when you said it.

I release myself of all this pain with you, and the one before you. I give that over to God, I pray every day, and every time I go to church. I just want the pain to be lifted. I want to be able to live for the future, instead of carrying so much hurt and pain from my past. God will provide that for me, I’m sure….

I love you. I loved you then, and I’ll love you forever.

You’d be so proud of me now…. Prrrum… yeah, I’m teaching again. There’s so much I want to tell you. I can replace some things about you, but I’ve yet been able to replace my best friend. Someday, though... Someday…

I wonder if you ever think about me.  Probably not.

I’m moving on… again…

Morphine

I guess I’m experiencing my own transference. When one thing fails, I scramble for a cushion to soften my fall, but in reality, we all know, that’s never going to work, and when THAT, TOO, fails… I find myself in the place I’m in.

I guess I thought you were my chance at a life. Maybe not the BEST life, but a life… not lived alone, but, rather, a life lived with someone. You pretended to feel. I believed that you did, but.. Was any of that true? I guess I’ll never know, now. How could you be ready to marry me one minute, and with someone else THE VERY NEXT MINUTE? I don’t understand. But, it’s Satan that is continually allowing me to ask myself these questions in the first place.

I always tried to guard myself, from you, but.. now that the smoke has finally cleared, I guess I wasn’t really all that guarded, now, was I? I mean, apparently not, because all I can do is think of you, and your truck of fun, and why you chose to provide that to someone other than the ONE person who accepted you for everything, and all that you are.

All these unanswered questions, as always.

The person that I knew only ever loved me. He only ever cared about me, only pursued me, and only saw me. Against all odds, I was it for him. But- That was apparently NOT reality. I guess I get what I deserve, for thinking that you could be different, and more solid for me.

I’m sure, at some point, I’ll look back on all of this, and thank you for all of these things. At some point, when I’m living the life that God intended, I’ll gain wisdom and understanding of this, and several other things.

Just know this: I lied to you. I lied to you when I told you I wouldn’t have married you. I lied when I said I didn’t love you, and just “played the game”. I lied, so that I didn’t feel quite as stupid, and alone, considering you had moved on so quickly. I lied, and I don’t regret lying. I’d tell you the same lie again right now, probably.

Bruno Mars said: “If you ever leave me baby, leave some morphine at my door, cuz it would take a whole lot of medication, to realize what used to have, we don’t, have it anymore..”….

I need my morphine, so I can survive this.

Dear God..

Why haven’t my prayers been answered? I know it’s not always going to be roses and Daisies in life, but… why am I deserving of such despair?

“Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted”- My Father, when is the comfort coming? I’m in need of it.

I’m tired of walking around half a girl. I’m tired of being sick, and ill, and I’m tired of not understanding. More than all that, I’m tired of watching the so called “reward” go to those who are un-deserving.

I’ve cried out to you until I literally cannot form a tear anymore. I have cried so much my face is swollen. I have tried all the avenues to which most others have found their comfort and happiness, and yet… I STILL feel this way.

A bottle of three dollar wine, and 2 cigars later, and I’m still the same hurting girl that I was before. Who can save me now? I’m at the tip top of one of those downward spiraling slides, and I don’t want to go down that way. I don’t know what I’m sliding into. I don’t know what (if anything) is at the bottom to break my fall.

All I know is that I just want to feel better. Today was supposed to be sunny but it is overcast again instead. I just want to feel better.

Dear God, I’m scared for myself. I’m truly scared for myself. I just want to feel better.

Dear God, I beg of you, your healing, and understanding. I’m weak. I’m tired. I haven’t eaten.. I can’t do this on my own.. Dear Lord, please, Father… send healing for me. Send help.

Amen

drowning in shallow water

You shallow snake with forked tongue
Dare you pretend to speak of the deep
For, it's foreign to the likes of you...
Impossible to dream of while you sleep

You attempted to convince
your capabilities to love and hurt
But isn't it funny that you're just the same
Its never you that gets burnt

Sure I feel this..
Sure it feel like a shock
But like all of my life,
My Father, my God, is my rock

I will walk 3 miles
And collect my head
I'll scream to the heavens
While I lay in my bed

But I won't give you the satisfaction
Of hearing me hurt or seeing me cry
Because after all, it WAS true
You WERE just another guy.

I pray..

A puking vulture sits on your shoulder
Smells of burning skin
But you, you're so blinded
From that, that grows within

A face all too kind
Yet so distorted, and snarled
But that isn't your face, is it?
It's one of the many borrowed

I feel for your lostness
And lack if substance in your soul
I know that you cannot fight off
The demons that take control

My only hope is solidity
For you're unaware of what is real
You say you cling to God
And even pray before your meal

You're good at whatever you set out
In most things, that holds true
But I can't imagine not knowing
The face looking back at you

I pray you know happiness
And find yourself along the way
I pray for your solid ground
And that you feel what you say

A hollow man you are
With no heart in your core
Lastly, I pray for your peace
And this emptiness no more.....

Here you come again
Sneaking up on me, like I wouldn’t notice you
I wish you would just disappear
Don’t go visit someone else
I’ll accept you, if that’s my choice
Who created you, and what was the sense?
I suppose you were sent here by Satan
Haha, I’d imagine this is his best one yet.

Why don’t you off yourself
Why don’t you just break your own neck?
Do us all that favor, you beast
DIE, you’re the very thing that kills us all

Did you think I’d welcome you?
Did you think I’d be happy you returned?
You can’t twist my thoughts as deep this time
You can’t drown me like before
You won’t take me that low ever again
I’ll save the rest if I can
Was I put here to take you on?
I can’t say I welcome the challenge

Why don’t you off yourself
Why don’t you just break your own neck?
Do us all that favor, you beast
DIE, you’re the very thing that kills us all

What’s your name, everyone keeps asking
What’s this song about, they beg
They all know you just as well, I’m sure
For you’re the one who ruins, and steals joy
We have only one defense, and that’s prayer to an unknown God
I’m sorry, but I don’t feel so safe anymore
It’s hard to breathe when you come around
What your name, everyone keeps asking…

Dear HURT-Why don’t you off yourself
Why don’t you just break your own neck?
Do us all that favor, you beast
DIE, you’re the very thing that kills us all…

It's all BULLSHIT.

When you feel as deeply as I feel you want someone to know, or care, or sympathize with you, or relate to what you’re going through. You want that more than anything, because it kind of temporarily fills the thing inside that hurts, and feels so empty…

It’s the smallest things in life that cause these feelings to rise up inside me, too. For instance, the other day, a lady working the desk at an animal shelter made a comment that I “add to the problem of homeless animals”… Well, I’m the BIGGEST animal lover that there is, and NO ONE cares for, or does as much for their pets as I do. A friend recently told me “Stephanie, most people don’t love their kids, like you do your animals”.. But, that comment went STRAIGHT to my heart, and then the waterworks came on.

Here I am, that feeling rising up inside me again, and I feel like I’m the ONLY person in the world. NO ONE feels as deeply as I do, nor does anyone seem to “get it” .. I ask myself why God made me to feel so deeply? What was the purpose? Why does my WHOLE WORLD go into shock and chaos when my feelings have the ability to hurt me SO badly?! Why do I have to suffer through sleepless nights, stomach aches, head aches, lack of appetite, and etc??! Most people can just brush it off, and go on. It doesn’t work like that for me. I know that God made me this way for a reason, and I know that I’ll understand it better in due time, but I SWEAR for the life of me, I don’t get it right now. I don’t understand the benefit of feeling SO deeply like I do.

“We feel what we feel, because we think what we think”- That’s what my dad has always said, and that’s incredible. But, it’s not as easy as it seems to stop thinking about the things that are making you feel a certain way. I’m trying today though…. Trying hard, too…

Lastly, why in the world can I not shut my feelings for someone OFF like a light switch? That’s what I WANT to do. I want to shut that switch OFF, permanently, so that I’m never in this position again.. “Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all” REALLY?!?!? Whoever wrote that line of BULLSHIT obviously doesn’t feel hurt the way that I feel hurt.

I’ll just follow another old ancient quote… I’ll just… Let them all Go, and if they come back to me, then they were truly mine in the first place… JUST MORE BULLSHIT!

You... Just You....

So last night, I once again, found myself in a place I swore I’d never allow myself to go. Driving nervously around my small town in search of where my significant other is, considering he’s not where he’s supposed to be.

Then the lies start coming in again, too. This, and that was said to me.. but not a call was answered.

I’m deserving of so much more from this world, and I bring so much MORE into this world….

I don’t have the time, and neither do my friends, to stay up at night, to try to pull me through, and find the things, to keep my mind off of you…..

Strangely enough, it doesn’t hurt anymore, it’s what I’ve always known and expected from you. This is the VERY thing that has kept my mind and heart at bay, and has never allowed me to fall deeper into you… because the “you” that I know, is hollow, and stands for nothing, but falls for everything.

Don’t waste mine, or your time by calling or texting. I don’t have anything left to say. I may be able to provide you  a distant friendship, but I assure you that’s the extent of emotion I’m EVER willing to allow myself to lend to you again.

I do find myself wondering, though, why? Who is she? Why was she more important than me? But, I suppose those questions are only human, and natural. The bottom line is, that I cannot, and will not internalize this. The problem isn’t within me. It is within you…

I sure hope that one day, just ONE DAY, you take the time to figure out what it is inside you that doesn’t allow for solidity, honesty, and decency. You’re the kind man, that lacks the stuff inside that makes you a person. You’re a great looking outer shell, but the inside is dark, empty, lonely, and lacking. Only you can change/fix that…

Good luck.

My Frustrations!

My Frustrations:

How does this happen? How do two people go from having the most amazing day, to wanting to rip each others' heads off, due to a three minute phone call?

What makes outsiders want to break in, and rob us of our happiness? What do they stand to gain? I’m not sure I understand how one gets pleasure from someone elses destruction.

Why cant people/things just be NORMAL?!?!

Why do I have to boil over with frustration to the point that I could bite a penny in half?

Why can’t people just realize that they’ve reached their limit and SHUT THE HELL UP?!?!

I feel like I could punch through a brick wall right now. But what good would it do?

JUST STOP, everyone, JUST STOP and leave me the hell alone.

ISOLATION starts NOW!

In a world where pink is purple
And purple is black
Where masks, and materials
Cover for all that you lack

In a world where if
I could turn you inside out
There'd be nothing there
Because nothings what you're about

Whichever way the wind may blow
You're soon to follow
No solidity or core
Because you're hollow

With a lack of depth
Inside your soul
There's nothing meaningful enough
To fill your hole

So fly away like you always do
The winds blowing her way tonight
I can sense it inside
So bring it to light

Goodbye my "friend"
This is TRULY the end....

What kind of gone?

I heard the door slam and i couldn't tell

Was it just the wind or was she mad again?

Ah hell she's gettin' in her car

I hollered ?baby is there somethin' wrong??

Thought i heard her say somethin' soundin' like i'm gone

But these days gone can mean so many things

There's gone for good and there's good and gone

And there's gone with the long before it

I wish she'd been just a little more clear

Well there's gone for the day and gone for the night

And gone for the rest of your doggone life

Is it whiskey night or just a couple beers?

I mean what kind of gone are we talkin' 'bout here?

Well it's gettin' dark out she ain't back yet

Ain't called home turned off the phone

Ah man ha this might not be good

Lyrics provided by http://www.kovideo.net/

Source - http://www.kovideo.net/what-kinda-gone-lyrics-chris-cagle-239896.html

I would have stopped her when she went to leave

But i didn't 'cause i didn't really think what i'm thinkin' now

I'm still not sure what gone is all about

'cuz there's gone for good and there's good and gone

And there's gone with the long before it

I wish she'd been just a little more clear

Well there's gone for the day and gone for the night

And gone for the rest of your doggone life

Is it whiskey night or just a couple beers?

I mean what kind of gone are we talkin' 'bout here?

Is it the kind of gone where she's at her mom's coolin' down?

She'll come around or the kind that says you had your chance

And she ain't comin' back

Well there's gone for good and there's good and gone

And there's gone with the long before it

I wish she'd been just a little more clear

Well there's gone for the day and gone for the night

And gone for the rest of your doggone life

Is it whiskey night or just a couple beers?

I mean what kind of gone are we talkin' 'bout?

What kinda gone are we talkin' 'bout?

What kinda gone are we talkin' 'bout here?

What kinda gone?

Gone, just gone.

A reason, a season, or a lifetime they say
But, I opened my eyes, and you are gone today
a lifetime it wasn't, I guess
and I'm left, alone, with these feelings to suppress

All the questions stirring in my head
All these loving things that you said
Gone in the blink of an eye
More tears, as, again… I cry…

Why couldn’t you just be solid for me?
Why did you go through so much, just to run free?
I guess it was for a reason you showed up when you did
Or maybe just a season, before you turned and hid

I’m a lover, you’re a runner, and we’ve gone round and round
Constant Praying to my God, my knees haven’t left the ground
I hope that you’ll miss me and just tell me you care
But, another knock, and it’s not you standing there.

No one can take away how strong you were for me when I needed you most
No one could have loved me like you did, when I feared my own Ghost
I’ll choose to cling to the good memories that we made
And please know, I wish so badly that you’d have stayed.

But the fight is over, and I’ll accept my defeat
You are right where you want to be, sitting in that seat
I couldn’t win you, due to mom, HER, and your brother
But, you can’t say I didn’t try, hard, and like no other

So goodbye my friend, and I wish you the best
Thankful for these words I’ve gotten off my chest
Let your light shine, brighter than before
And if you ever need me, I’m on the other side of the door.