Morphine

I guess I’m experiencing my own transference. When one thing fails, I scramble for a cushion to soften my fall, but in reality, we all know, that’s never going to work, and when THAT, TOO, fails… I find myself in the place I’m in.

I guess I thought you were my chance at a life. Maybe not the BEST life, but a life… not lived alone, but, rather, a life lived with someone. You pretended to feel. I believed that you did, but.. Was any of that true? I guess I’ll never know, now. How could you be ready to marry me one minute, and with someone else THE VERY NEXT MINUTE? I don’t understand. But, it’s Satan that is continually allowing me to ask myself these questions in the first place.

I always tried to guard myself, from you, but.. now that the smoke has finally cleared, I guess I wasn’t really all that guarded, now, was I? I mean, apparently not, because all I can do is think of you, and your truck of fun, and why you chose to provide that to someone other than the ONE person who accepted you for everything, and all that you are.

All these unanswered questions, as always.

The person that I knew only ever loved me. He only ever cared about me, only pursued me, and only saw me. Against all odds, I was it for him. But- That was apparently NOT reality. I guess I get what I deserve, for thinking that you could be different, and more solid for me.

I’m sure, at some point, I’ll look back on all of this, and thank you for all of these things. At some point, when I’m living the life that God intended, I’ll gain wisdom and understanding of this, and several other things.

Just know this: I lied to you. I lied to you when I told you I wouldn’t have married you. I lied when I said I didn’t love you, and just “played the game”. I lied, so that I didn’t feel quite as stupid, and alone, considering you had moved on so quickly. I lied, and I don’t regret lying. I’d tell you the same lie again right now, probably.

Bruno Mars said: “If you ever leave me baby, leave some morphine at my door, cuz it would take a whole lot of medication, to realize what used to have, we don’t, have it anymore..”….

I need my morphine, so I can survive this.

Dear God..

Why haven’t my prayers been answered? I know it’s not always going to be roses and Daisies in life, but… why am I deserving of such despair?

“Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted”- My Father, when is the comfort coming? I’m in need of it.

I’m tired of walking around half a girl. I’m tired of being sick, and ill, and I’m tired of not understanding. More than all that, I’m tired of watching the so called “reward” go to those who are un-deserving.

I’ve cried out to you until I literally cannot form a tear anymore. I have cried so much my face is swollen. I have tried all the avenues to which most others have found their comfort and happiness, and yet… I STILL feel this way.

A bottle of three dollar wine, and 2 cigars later, and I’m still the same hurting girl that I was before. Who can save me now? I’m at the tip top of one of those downward spiraling slides, and I don’t want to go down that way. I don’t know what I’m sliding into. I don’t know what (if anything) is at the bottom to break my fall.

All I know is that I just want to feel better. Today was supposed to be sunny but it is overcast again instead. I just want to feel better.

Dear God, I’m scared for myself. I’m truly scared for myself. I just want to feel better.

Dear God, I beg of you, your healing, and understanding. I’m weak. I’m tired. I haven’t eaten.. I can’t do this on my own.. Dear Lord, please, Father… send healing for me. Send help.

Amen

drowning in shallow water

You shallow snake with forked tongue
Dare you pretend to speak of the deep
For, it's foreign to the likes of you...
Impossible to dream of while you sleep

You attempted to convince
your capabilities to love and hurt
But isn't it funny that you're just the same
Its never you that gets burnt

Sure I feel this..
Sure it feel like a shock
But like all of my life,
My Father, my God, is my rock

I will walk 3 miles
And collect my head
I'll scream to the heavens
While I lay in my bed

But I won't give you the satisfaction
Of hearing me hurt or seeing me cry
Because after all, it WAS true
You WERE just another guy.

I pray..

A puking vulture sits on your shoulder
Smells of burning skin
But you, you're so blinded
From that, that grows within

A face all too kind
Yet so distorted, and snarled
But that isn't your face, is it?
It's one of the many borrowed

I feel for your lostness
And lack if substance in your soul
I know that you cannot fight off
The demons that take control

My only hope is solidity
For you're unaware of what is real
You say you cling to God
And even pray before your meal

You're good at whatever you set out
In most things, that holds true
But I can't imagine not knowing
The face looking back at you

I pray you know happiness
And find yourself along the way
I pray for your solid ground
And that you feel what you say

A hollow man you are
With no heart in your core
Lastly, I pray for your peace
And this emptiness no more.....

Here you come again
Sneaking up on me, like I wouldn’t notice you
I wish you would just disappear
Don’t go visit someone else
I’ll accept you, if that’s my choice
Who created you, and what was the sense?
I suppose you were sent here by Satan
Haha, I’d imagine this is his best one yet.

Why don’t you off yourself
Why don’t you just break your own neck?
Do us all that favor, you beast
DIE, you’re the very thing that kills us all

Did you think I’d welcome you?
Did you think I’d be happy you returned?
You can’t twist my thoughts as deep this time
You can’t drown me like before
You won’t take me that low ever again
I’ll save the rest if I can
Was I put here to take you on?
I can’t say I welcome the challenge

Why don’t you off yourself
Why don’t you just break your own neck?
Do us all that favor, you beast
DIE, you’re the very thing that kills us all

What’s your name, everyone keeps asking
What’s this song about, they beg
They all know you just as well, I’m sure
For you’re the one who ruins, and steals joy
We have only one defense, and that’s prayer to an unknown God
I’m sorry, but I don’t feel so safe anymore
It’s hard to breathe when you come around
What your name, everyone keeps asking…

Dear HURT-Why don’t you off yourself
Why don’t you just break your own neck?
Do us all that favor, you beast
DIE, you’re the very thing that kills us all…

It's all BULLSHIT.

When you feel as deeply as I feel you want someone to know, or care, or sympathize with you, or relate to what you’re going through. You want that more than anything, because it kind of temporarily fills the thing inside that hurts, and feels so empty…

It’s the smallest things in life that cause these feelings to rise up inside me, too. For instance, the other day, a lady working the desk at an animal shelter made a comment that I “add to the problem of homeless animals”… Well, I’m the BIGGEST animal lover that there is, and NO ONE cares for, or does as much for their pets as I do. A friend recently told me “Stephanie, most people don’t love their kids, like you do your animals”.. But, that comment went STRAIGHT to my heart, and then the waterworks came on.

Here I am, that feeling rising up inside me again, and I feel like I’m the ONLY person in the world. NO ONE feels as deeply as I do, nor does anyone seem to “get it” .. I ask myself why God made me to feel so deeply? What was the purpose? Why does my WHOLE WORLD go into shock and chaos when my feelings have the ability to hurt me SO badly?! Why do I have to suffer through sleepless nights, stomach aches, head aches, lack of appetite, and etc??! Most people can just brush it off, and go on. It doesn’t work like that for me. I know that God made me this way for a reason, and I know that I’ll understand it better in due time, but I SWEAR for the life of me, I don’t get it right now. I don’t understand the benefit of feeling SO deeply like I do.

“We feel what we feel, because we think what we think”- That’s what my dad has always said, and that’s incredible. But, it’s not as easy as it seems to stop thinking about the things that are making you feel a certain way. I’m trying today though…. Trying hard, too…

Lastly, why in the world can I not shut my feelings for someone OFF like a light switch? That’s what I WANT to do. I want to shut that switch OFF, permanently, so that I’m never in this position again.. “Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all” REALLY?!?!? Whoever wrote that line of BULLSHIT obviously doesn’t feel hurt the way that I feel hurt.

I’ll just follow another old ancient quote… I’ll just… Let them all Go, and if they come back to me, then they were truly mine in the first place… JUST MORE BULLSHIT!

You... Just You....

So last night, I once again, found myself in a place I swore I’d never allow myself to go. Driving nervously around my small town in search of where my significant other is, considering he’s not where he’s supposed to be.

Then the lies start coming in again, too. This, and that was said to me.. but not a call was answered.

I’m deserving of so much more from this world, and I bring so much MORE into this world….

I don’t have the time, and neither do my friends, to stay up at night, to try to pull me through, and find the things, to keep my mind off of you…..

Strangely enough, it doesn’t hurt anymore, it’s what I’ve always known and expected from you. This is the VERY thing that has kept my mind and heart at bay, and has never allowed me to fall deeper into you… because the “you” that I know, is hollow, and stands for nothing, but falls for everything.

Don’t waste mine, or your time by calling or texting. I don’t have anything left to say. I may be able to provide you  a distant friendship, but I assure you that’s the extent of emotion I’m EVER willing to allow myself to lend to you again.

I do find myself wondering, though, why? Who is she? Why was she more important than me? But, I suppose those questions are only human, and natural. The bottom line is, that I cannot, and will not internalize this. The problem isn’t within me. It is within you…

I sure hope that one day, just ONE DAY, you take the time to figure out what it is inside you that doesn’t allow for solidity, honesty, and decency. You’re the kind man, that lacks the stuff inside that makes you a person. You’re a great looking outer shell, but the inside is dark, empty, lonely, and lacking. Only you can change/fix that…

Good luck.