Fly away, Ghosts..

Dear Ghosts that haunt me,

You’re the ghost that holds my heart. You should have called me by now, if everything I thought was true. I just knew that you couldn’t handle all of this without me there to help you. I was wrong, though. I’ve been thrown for a loop. Well, maybe I need you, but, you wouldn’t really care, would you? No, you wouldn’t. No, you don’t. You might be the only other person who can even begin to understand how this feels, how I feel, how scarred I am. You might be the only one who can save me, and with that, I’ll be dead before the sun goes down today. Do you keep me at a distance because it hurts too badly? Are you afraid of what you might see on the other side? Well, you’re safe here, just like you’ve always been, and like you’ll always be. Call out to me, and I’ll come running. Wanna see ME lose all care about anything else? I’ll be there every single time. For you. Only for you.

And you, you’re the ghost of things not real. You’re pretty, aren’t ya? But nothing inside you is whole. You can’t be true to one, not even yourself. I feel so sorry for you. You’re all mixed up inside. You’re hurting, and you’re confused, but you have to pour it out to make it right. So, pour it out to someone. Be who you really are. Don’t transfer from one to another. Be who you are. Whoever that is, someone will love. I promise you. Just, be who you are.

You’re the ghost of my unintended hurts. I want to tell you that I’m sorry for the things I did. You have a disease that I couldn’t handle any longer. But, I know you couldn’t help it. You just couldn’t stop. I was cold, and I laughed in your face when you showed me your heart. I moved on before you did, and left you a hurting wreck. I wish so badly that you knew that was never my intent. I never wanted to harm you. I loved you. You were a good friend, of mine. I just couldn’t be in love with the person that you turned out to be. I hope one day you can see that, and forgive me for all the times I made up an excuse for you to go. I’m sorry…. But…. If it’s any help to you, I’m paying for it now, ten fold.

The ghost of all things that make me who I am: Would you just go the fuck away? Would you just lie down somewhere, and let me be? I have a right to see clearly, and go on with my life, but you keep me bound up in all the things that you are. If only I had done this, or said that. If only I looked this way, or that. If only… If only… If only… And all the questions that go through my mind, are going to land me a chair in a padded room. I don’t know how to break loose of all that keeps me tied up. God hasn’t broken it loose from me yet, even through all my prayer.

 Peace is my best friend. Peace is where I all my ghosts fly far, far away…..

Peace….

permanent lid.

It’s not going to pan out you said, well, then why

Are you still in her bed?

Why is she writing on your wall

And why am I left here to take the fall?

Why does your kind get away without a scratch

No hurt feelings because you only ACT attached

You can’t feel the ties that bind

And half a person, is she, that’s left behind

Who do you think you are

Running around, leaving scars,

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart?

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

But don’t come back to me…

Who do you THINK you are?

Those are the lyrics to a well known song

About a guy who proved his girl wrong

He lied and made her think and feel

But those things he said, well, they weren’t real

And the words you made me believe

The hurt in my stomach that medicine doesn’t relieve

The halfness of who I am now

And all the questions, of just HOW?

Will I look back on this some day and laugh

Will I never be whole again, but, forever half

Will we be married and normal in the future

Or are you waiting for the time that best suits her?

I wonder what advice I’d give my friends

I’d tell them to stop, and put contact to an end

But that’s so hard when your hearts involved

Distance doesn’t equal the problem solved

So I’ll say goodbye and turn off my head

I’ll concrete my heart, and mask this dread

I’ll pretend that I don’t love you and never did

The jar with my heart, has a permanent lid.

No regrets, I guess.

Today, reality has sunken in. I woke up at 4AM, and wasn’t able to fall asleep again. Why? Satan flooded my mind with thoughts of you, and your new life. Are you happy now? Is she somehow better than me? I realize that it isn’t normal to have thoughts like this, but after you, and the one before you. Insecurity is all I seem to know.

I ask myself if I have regrets, and the truth is, I really don’t. My only regret is going against my better judgment in the FIRST place, when I knew that you weren’t solid. Another regret, is, I think I am one of the ONLY people in this world, who has the ability to look so deep inside a person’s soul. I don’t know if you’ve ever had ANYONE care enough to reach down as deep, as I did. I guess, my regret with that, is… I didn’t fix you. I didn’t surface the things inside you that cause you to feel inadequate. Well, all I can say is… “pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you’re nothing, you’re f’n perfect to me”…. (with the exception of dishonesty, of course, but I’m convinced you couldn’t help it)…

You said it may not be now, it may not be 6 months, or a year from now, hell- It may be FIVE years from now, but.. one day, you’ll marry me. Remember that? I cling to that sometimes, on days like today… because, I believe with all my soul, that you meant it. You meant that when you said it.

I release myself of all this pain with you, and the one before you. I give that over to God, I pray every day, and every time I go to church. I just want the pain to be lifted. I want to be able to live for the future, instead of carrying so much hurt and pain from my past. God will provide that for me, I’m sure….

I love you. I loved you then, and I’ll love you forever.

You’d be so proud of me now…. Prrrum… yeah, I’m teaching again. There’s so much I want to tell you. I can replace some things about you, but I’ve yet been able to replace my best friend. Someday, though... Someday…

I wonder if you ever think about me.  Probably not.

I’m moving on… again…