How DARE you?

So, you go to the bar, to order another round. You notice the attractive bar tender, yes- I'll agree, he was quite the looker. Quite the talker, too, wasn't he? I know all too well, why? Because I was his soon to be fiance'. He was going to ask me to marry him on Valentines day, just a few day after I found out, about the likes of you.

Nevermind the fact that I was never that into him, and he only pretended to be "oh so" into me. That could have only been known by US. What was between us, only WE could have known. I'll save the gory in's and out's of our relationship for another time. Today, I want to talk about YOU, because I never said to anyone all the things that I wanted so desperately to scream from a mountain top.

Miss perfect who acts so sweet, and angelic. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You're a parent, but you're not a mother. I, personally witnessed your child screaming to the top of his lungs because he didn't get his way. Haven't you ever heard of discipline? "Spare the rod, spoil the child"- Straight from the bible. A spanking sure never hurt anyone, and in your case NOT spanking, hurts all of us that have to deal with your hellion. Again, though- That's another story all in itself.

So let me guess, you see yourself the victim in all of this somehow? haha. Don't they all?!  You knew who I was, I had met you so many times as I crossed the threshold of the place you carry out your career. My best friend, does my hair- you see, and you share space in her salon. You knew me quite well, from a distance I'd say. Yet, you had the nerve to carry out one of the most hurtful crimes imaginable, and what's worse, is that it's an offense that seems to bear no punishment. I imagine that the story goes something like this: He used his forked tongue to convince someone close to you that he wasn't happy in his current relationship (with me), and that his significant other (me), was this terrible beast. You thought, oh, here's my chance to swoop in and save him from the horrific situation he's chained to. The truth was, though, that he was telling me (and everyone else), that he was planning on asking me to be his wife. We were planning a trip to Florida in just a couple days. But, you- you sunk your teeth right in the middle of someone else's life, with no thought or care of how it might affect anyone but yourself. You selfish, no good, soulless bitch. Would you think twice before you stole someones' entree' in a restaurant, because from where I sit- You didn't bat an eye at stealing my supposed future. You allowed the meaningless words to enter your brain, and eventually enter your plastic soul, never stopping to think about the facts.

I noticed him using his phone more, and becoming less interested in conversation with me. He worked late nights at the bar, and I didn't think twice about his coming home at dawn. How many of those mornings were spent with you? How many of the conversations he pretended to have with his buddy were really conversations to you? How many times did you PURPOSELY go to the bar to have a drink, but MORE to see this man that wasn't yours for the taking. Don't play stupid with me. The writing was on the wall. Facebook tells all, and his status was cleary "in a relationship with Stephanie Watters", not to mention his profile picture the same.

Superbowl Sunday is here, and I make his favorite meal per his request. I cleaned every inch of my home that I allowed him space in, and prepared his favorite meal, with appetizers to boot. He woke up from his late night shift at the bar to the smell of garlic, and butter as his favorite pasta was simmering on the stove. He woke up to a smile, and a kiss and hug. I don't remember it taking too long before he grabbed his phone from the truck, and brought it inside. There he was with a strange look on his face, texting away, and to me- something just wasn't sitting right in my gut. Something was aching, and throbbing, and my internal sirens were going off right, and left... but, I though, well- I must be crazy. I'm sure nothing is wrong, Stephanie, just calm down, dear. It will all be alright, you're letting your mind think the unthinkable. Then, the pink elephant in the room reared it's ugly head when he said to me "Hey babe, I think I'm going to watch the rest of this with dad." That was so unusual. WAY unusual. I still kept my cool. I said "Okay, babe, enjoy the game." But little did he know, that my internal sirens had ALREADY warned me that something was wrong. So, after he left, I wanted to vomit. Nausea had set in, in a major way. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, or what was going on. I did the only the thing I knew to do at that moment. I gathered my purse, keys, and jacket with shaking hands, a heart beating out of turn, pale faced, to do a drive by on your dads house. I knew what I'd find before I ever got there. I can feel myself losing control as I sit down in my car, and fasten the seatbelt.

I drive by, and he's no where to be found. I call, and no answer, but continue to receive the sporadic text. I finally receive one that I can at least make SOME sense of. He says "I'm sorry sweetie, I forgot to tell you the reason why I'm not at dads', is because I'm in Sullivan. I had to return my buddy's jacket." Well, at least I now know that I've been lied to, and I'm clinging on to a string, if there was one left at all. I know I've got to leave this man. I know I've got to break up with him, and get him out of my life for once and for all. I do it. I end things. Almost immediately the facebook profile picture changes, and so do the relationship status's.

Usually, within 24 hours he's begging to see me, but 48 has gone by and I hear nothing. All I can think now is "Who is she, Where will I be when I find out, Will I know her, Is she better than me, smarter or prettier?"

A few days go by, and each day is like the one before it. I wake up with a dreadful cloud, pain in my stomach, and shakiness with every move I make. It's a chore to breath, and eating is out of the question. I'm just TRYING to get through the mundane of life. Mom is my saving grace, as always. She calls today, and asks me to go to the mall, with her and my young sister. I'm overtaken with excitement, and for a split second my stomach eases.

I'm at the mall, looking at all the goodies. So many times he and I went there, and laughed at everything, and had a blast as we ripped up and down the long hallways at the mall. Everything is reminding me of him. My best friend. I think "he'd love this, or he'd laugh so hard at that", and I'm sucked right back into the darkness that was quickly becoming my new life.

All of a sudden, my phone dings. I'm thinking, YAY- maybe it's him texting to profess his undying love for me. Nope, it's my best friend. The hair stylist. We've been friends since about the 6th grade or so. And there, right before my eyes, in the middle of the mall, I'm doing everything I can to continue standing up straight. My stomach is wrenching. I'm sweating. My face must've turned 10 shades. My mom is pressing me for what is wrong, my sister has now caught on... and it's all I can do literally to suck in my next breath.

Right in front of me was the text that I'd been "waiting" for. It was you. It was YOU he'd been talking to, dating, seeing, and fucking me around for. It was you. You fat bitch. You sneaking, snake of a no good cunt.
I immediately prayed that I didn't run into you anywhere. God protected me. I immediately prayed that I didn't have to see HIS face, either and again God protected me.

Never have I told you how badly I loathe you. I never got to say to you, the things that I wanted to. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU? How DARE you sneak behind my back and talk to my boyfriend while you KNEW he was with me? I've got more class in my little toe, you poor little damsel in distress, single mom, piece of shit.

And no, I STILL haven't forgotten, although I've attempted to forgive your careless and stupid actions. I'm not sorry that your little "relationship" with what was mine didn't last. I'm not sorry that it's been a year later, and I'm engaged and your poor little self is still single.

A woman would say two words that would set this whole thing straight "I'm sorry" is all it would take, but we all know you don't have the class, or the brains.

So, all I have to say now is HA HA HA! I'm engaged, and you're still pathetic.

There ya are, and there ya have it. My REAL feelings, about a worthless whore, disguised as a female. 

You've made promises you don't keep
And laugh in my face
Another night without sleep
As this goes at your pace

With a tear on my cheek
I ask myself once more
Why does that which you seek
Have to hurt like before?

Why make promises empty
Based solely on a lie
Ever so tempting
Makes me want to fly

And yet you don't care
You actually laughed
As you stood there

Once was a man who loved me so
Said he'd exchange his life for mine
All for false show

And with us on the end
Of a rope that was mine
I search for embrace
And embrace I don't find

And what's the glue that holds so tight
To a man with eyes red glass
What keeps me trying
When these things come to pass

You spoke of a love
Only in fairy tales
I guess I bought in
And my stomach flails

Papers torn all around the floor
And what once was mine
Cares not anymore

The sensitive man with eyes so alive
drowned by smoke
On darkness does he strive

Trash in a trailer
Is all that I hear
Through all the thoughts
And glasses of beer

And more than ever I wonder to what do I cling
When I always said I wouldn't
Yet, you're that very thing.

Marital Thoughts

One day you will (if you haven't already), look in the mirror and realize that you are engaged. You are betrothed. You have either been asked, or asked someone to marry you, and formed an agreement.

Today, amongst other days, I've had that long talk of uncertainty with myself- but this day differs from others because for once, I may have actually found the answer or solution to the many questions we all ask ourselves.

Have I done everything in my single life, that I need to do in order to have the prerequisites necessary to be a good wife to my future husband?

Have I been honest with myself about letting past hurts, and loves go?

Have I done EVERYTHING in my power to set myself up for success in this marriage?

Do we have what it takes to make it until forever?

What makes me CERTAIN that this is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with?

What makes him CERTAIN that I can be all that he needs me to be for the rest of his life?

Will I be able to fulfill all that he, and all that God expects from me in this life promotion?

Can I be tolerant of the differences that he and I have, or will have?

Am I a strong enough person, within myself, to accept that fact that I will probably be hurt at some point in this relationship, and that I've GOT to have the strength to work through that, forgive, and move forward WITH this man?

These, amongst so many other questions constantly flooding the head of my melancholic personality, which is so analytical purely by nature, ALREADY, and alas, I believe that I've finally found the answer, or, at least one that will suffice and hush my questionable nature for the time being. It's such a simple answer too, and I'm embarrassed that it's taken so long to reach this conclusion.

The conclusion you anxiously await- Is that life isn't meant to be straightened out, and ironed out real neat. Life is more of a constant improvisation whereby we sort of make things up as we go. The conclusion isn't one of solidity, but of perfection all in the same. The answer is that, there just are NO guarantees in this life, or in marriage. The only real question is: Is the person you've agreed to marry, worth taking a lifelong chance with/for?

Luckily, and by the grace of my God above, that answer- for my situation is YES! 

Thank you, my love, for finding a suitable life partner in me. 

Worry for the worriless

At the top of this slide
Looking down at the spiral below
Wind behind her back
Nowhere else to go

She doesn't belong here
But can't stay there
Her backs against the wall
Doesn't even have a prayer

The good girl no one worries for
She'll be the same tomorrow
Always good and reliable
With all this unknown sorrow

And just like night turns to day
And winter into Spring
She slowly dies inside
And no one sees a thing

Then with a quickness
A sudden burst of light
Her spirit leaves her body
Because she's lost this fight

And you all scramble now
And you wish you would've forgiven
For your the very thing that killed her
She lost her reason for livin'

What was meant for good
You turned it so ugly
You killed her inside
But- she wasn't so bad now, was she?

I hope the guilt is more than you can bear
And that it eats you alive
You're a filthy cockroach
Only on death do you strive

So with one last step
I stomp on your existence
Now you die too,
Thanks to devilish persistence.

had it all..

So I thought I had it all
I thought I had found the one
And then like all the others
The fighting has just begun

The words cut like a knife
My heart bleeds from the sting
And alone am I here,
Even when I'm wearing your ring

How can you say those things
you don't see the bleeding?
You seem to lack concern
which is the first step to your leaving

I sit here in silense
But my heart speaks so loud
Only to deaf ears
For anger becomes your could

I want to reach out
But my fears keep me still
I want to try to fix this
but I can't climb that hill

I'm tired, my love
exhausted in my spirit
I lift my voice once again
But- you just don't hear it.