Love Vs. Lust

The difference between love & lust/ sexual desires. 

He was my drug. His words were my next hit, as I was ever so high on a fairytale that didn't include "happily ever after". 

So many sins wrapped in just one being, the blackness in his heart shining brighter than a spotlight in my eye, causing me to squint, and then feel nauseas. 

What a tangled web he wove, and yet, somehow- there I was, wrapped up in this dark disgusting corner, like an insect right before the spider goes in for his final kill. 

And as natural as our breathing, he dismembered me piece by piece, heart first of course.... Or was it last, so I would suffer as long as possible?

I never loved him.  I didn't understand his heart or his motives. I didn't respect him. I never did. So really, I was an addict. Addicted to the facade he created just for me, which was no more real than the fake bullshit he so desperately loved to watch on WWF. 

It took some growing up. Some wising up. A whole lot of God. And...... A best friend. A REAL love. The depth of my love for the man I chose to marry, to ACTUALLY cause me to see him for what he is. 

The shadow of a man, who intensely wishes he could follow through with a task even as simple as breathing ON HIS OWN. But..... He can't. He never could. 

Dependent and preying on the soul of another for his own survival. His drug? Hiding behind the depth & solidity of an actual person to some how find a place for his shadow to exist. 

Are his words your drug? You silently close your eyes when he's not around and replay something he said/did and all of the sudden, just like the real thing, your stomach falls as though you're on a roller coaster going down, and back up again? 

Does every split second of every day need to be spent making contact with him via some form or another? 

Are you truly allowed to be YOU? 

Are you able to normally function in society without feeling the inner calling to surround yourself with all things HIM? 

Real, true, solid, honest, LOVE requires none of that. Rather than feeling bound, and weighed down, yyou've never felt more free! 

Rather than the constant insane contact, you just learn to love and be yourself, and in doing so, you appreciate each word so much more.... Because..... It's real. 

Never get wound up in the web I was in, instead seek that confident soul who stands on his own, for those are the roots of TRUE love rather than the facade of lust. 

Attitude!

Attitude

I’m sitting here beyond irritated, and I’m wondering how others endure this exact same crap, and yet still manage to remain super positive. I mean, nothing THAT detrimental has happened today, but nonetheless it’s been enough to irritate me, and as we all know negativity breeds more negativity and before you know it, you’ve had a day of it, and then a week and so on.

I, at least, realize that a good portion of the problem truly IS me.

Plans change, your lunch order took longer than you’re allowed for lunch, the boss said your name in a less than pleasant manner, EVERY light on the way to work was red, when you were already late to begin with.. and all you want to do is go home, but it’s only 2:30, and you’ve still got another few hours. Not THAT bad, right? I know, I know, AND I agree, but today, I just feel like I’m the proverbial “bug”.

I have questioned what the magic thing is that people do, that gets them through irritating days like this, with a BETTER attitude than the one I have. I wish I knew that answer, but I don’t. I’m seething, and beyond irritated at more than one thing.

So, What do we do to turn this around? Take a deep breath? Write? Listen to music? Take another deep breath? Just go home, go to bed, and try again, all while remembering that life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we choose to react to it!?!

For me, I’m just finally now able to take a deep, peaceful breath. Why? Because I identified the problem, the actual root of the thing, and eliminated it. Now, I’m writing it out, which is another form of release for me.

Find the root of what is really bothering you, and eliminate it, then flush the remainder out of your system, by deep breathing, writing, singing, or going to a quiet place for 4 minutes of “yourself” time. Every one of us has to figure out which method of a release/cleanse works for us, and then use that method continually on days like today.

Finally, practice positivity! Remind yourself of all the things that you DO have to look forward to! All the the things that you love, and are excited about in this life. Worst case scenario, you’ve got a few hours left of the day, and tomorrow is shiny and new. So, endure for the next few hours practicing to remain positive about things that DO make you happy.

Find the Root!

Cleanse yourself of it!

Flush the remains!

Practice Positivity!

Much love to you all,

Stephanie Fitzgerald 

Friendships

Friendships

 

I have purposely been avoiding writing on this topic, not only to save the feelings of others’, but also because my own heart has suffered a few friendship blows lately, and I’d rather not rehash all that. But, then again, without rehashing it, how can I grow, and how can this situation NOT be wasted, if it isn’t shared with others who may be going through something similar? Rather, I believe that by writing about it, with God’s help, I’m taking what Satan meant for bad, and turning it into something good. That’s the hope, anyway…

 

What is a friend? It’s simply someone that you feel, and think fondly about. Someone you regard with happiness, and warm feelings. Someone you TRUST, and enjoy sharing parts of your life with, and in the same regard, enjoy sharing in parts of theirs. It’s a symbiotic relationship based on a mutual love, and admiration for one another.

Ole Mr. Webster describes it like this:

Friend -a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

 

As I write this, I’m beginning to wonder which direction this is really going, as what’s on my heart has SO MUCH to do with Trust/Loyalty/Friendships. I suppose that now would be a good time to pray for guidance about how to properly put into words what has been on my heart for so long, and that whichever direction this blog goes, the points I’m trying to make remain clear, and precise. Okay, Prayer sent up!

 

We choose our friends by whose company we enjoy, and by those we have things in common with. Sometimes those things in common change, therefore changing the entire dynamic of the friendship. Sometimes bringing someone closer to you, and others, further away. This is life. We have to be willing to expect these things when we allow our hearts to become vulnerable by making the decision to trust, and allow another person to be close to us.

 

I take responsibility, FULL responsibility for those whom I’ve allowed to come into my life, whether they entered for a reason, season, or lifetime. We MUST take responsibility for this, in order to put things into perspective, and grow, and move on from them.

 

From experience, people will SHOW you who they are, early on, and then they will continue to reveal themselves to you over and over, and OVER again. If you fail to pick up on those signs, or make the choice to overlook them, then you/I have NO right to be shocked/repulsed when something we noticed waaay back in the beginning happens to come full circle, and land on US. The point of this paragraph is- BE SELECTIVE IN WHO YOU ALLOW INTO YOUR LIFE, AND HEART.

 

Sometimes, we have the difficult task of shutting out someone we really love, and this, has come to be the most painful thing, to me. I have no words to describe how gut wrenching it is to HAVE to close the door on someone you once laughed with, loved, and shared so much of life with. It’s like a break up, only worse, in some ways. I don’t have the words to describe how hard this has been for my life. It’s literally been life changing, but at this same time, I KNOW that the door NEEDED to be closed in order for my OWN life to continue on, in peace. You have to look out for yourself first & foremost. It’s really true.. If you don’t, no one else will either, and you’ll become the world’s biggest doormat.

 

I believe in facing your fears head on, which is why I’m trembling as I open the threshold to this next topic. Trust. Betrayal. Loyalty.  3 of the largest, and potentially most painful/joyous words that I know. If you have those things, appreciate them with all your soul. Let the person who holds those things for you, KNOW how dear they are to your life. Show them that the relationship is priceless to you.

 

If someone breaks your trust, betrays you, or is otherwise disloyal, it causes a type of pain in you that is hard to bounce back from. I’ve had a hell of a time with this over the last year, and the minute I think I’m over it, I find something else out, and I’m back at square one again. I guess you could say that I’m in a type of rut. When it happens more than once, or with more than one friend, you reflect, and search your soul for all the areas inside you that SUCK, and before you know it your thoughts/emotions are so jumbled that you cannot decipher which way is up or down anymore.

Was it this? Was it that? WHY? What did I do to deserve it? How can he/she look at themselves after such a betrayal? How can they look at ME after such an incident? See?!!! Your head will end up doing a full on exorcist twist if you allow all that to become part of your daily routine. 

People are people. They are just who they are, and sometimes that just means that they are assholes. Pretentious hollow assholes, and who they are doesn't have to reflect on who YOU are. 

For your own sanity, and because we're called to... Forgive them. That doesn't mean you have to reinvite them into your life, but you can and SHOULD forgive them. It lifts the weight off of your own heart, when you do. 

Maybe life isn't meant to be ironed out so nicely and neatly. Maybe it's just simple. Love who loves you. Make efforts to show love. Live! Be yourself! And if someone, ANYONE cannot handle the truest you- show them the nearest exit. 

Life is meant to be enjoyed, happily. Not walking around on pins and needles, masking parts of who you are to suit another. 

I'm a lot of things in life, no doubt, but I'm also nothing short of real, honest, loyal and true. 

Accept who you can, knowing that you must accept ALL of them, and cut loose anyone you cannot accept in entirety. Don't take it to heart if someone decides they cannot accept YOU, either. It just means they aren't up to the challenge of who you are AT THIS POINT, and be open to that being an ever changing process. 

Toodles, for now, 

All my love, 

Stephanie

I welcome the Coffee Phase!

The Coffee Phase

Really, there’s nothing different about this morning than any other morning, well, nothing but the most important thing. I’ve slowed down enough to recognize and appreciate all that is in front of me.

I didn’t wake up for work with 2 minutes to spare, and having to rush out the door in a stupor to avoid being insanely late. Rather, I woke up, sipped my coffee, stared at the beauty of the blooms blowing off of the trees, watched the playfulness of the squirrels as they “fought” with the birds over the last peanut.

In this moment, as I sit here in my sun room, life is exactly as it’s meant to be. My husband and I are best friends, and this old house of mine has so much character, and charm. In this very moment, I’m exactly where I’ve always been meant to be.

I welcome this new “Coffee Phase”

I used to be a PARTY ANIMAL, going out 5 out of 7 nights a week, not appreciating the REAL beauty of life, but rather just existing from moment to moment, hanging on to a thread of life entangled with cocktail after cocktail, bar after bar, and one hopeful “date” after the other, just praying for some kind of solidity. Praying and longing for something whole.

“I welcome this new “coffee Phase” with OPEN ARMS!

I’m a wife, who appreciates the luster of life, the peacefulness, the love, the goodness of one’s soul, and all things as deep.

I’ve been in the trenches, but finally, I’m right where I should be, in this old house of mine, with the love of my life, and our lovely 2 fur children. I’m the luckiest of lucky.

The storm chaser, or, the "good" brother

I'd like to tell you a story today about John, and Jason. John and Jason are brothers, and have chosen two totally different paths in this windy road we call life. First, let me introduce you to John, the "good" brother.

John began school with a smile, and aimed to please his teacher and family by doing the absolute best he could at everything he did. In Kindergarten, he rarely ever spoke out, and always colored in the lines, never making too many mistakes, and surely never disappointing his parents or his teachers. John continued on through his middle school and Jr. High years much like he began his journey back in Kindergarten. In High School John was tempted to try marijuana, drink, cuss, have sex with girls before marriage, and refused all. He had the desire to be the best, and seemingly so, he WAS. John had never really known a hardship, or a difficult time. It was pretty much smooth sailing for him, and this road we all travel down called "life" was pretty much an easy experience. No Turbulence. No storms, shifts, or difficulties. John seems pretty fantastic, doesn't he? The kind of man you'd like your daughter to meet, and eventually marry, I'd bet, right? We'll call John Captain Number 1. The Captain who had never weathered a storm.

Now, let's meet Jason. Jason from the very inception of life was curious. If he was asked to stay in a certain area, it was a given that he would travel outside those zones to see what else awaited. Jason wasn't as concerned with grades as John was, yet he managed to pass his classes. Jason was proud of his brother John, but, had a deeper drive/desire to understand even the most difficult parts of life. Jason tried Marijuana growing up. He dated girls, and slept with them. He had tattoos, played in the dirt and got his hands dirty in this life. He had weathered a few things, that's for sure. Jason seems like a trouble finding, disaster waiting to happen and if this young lad stood at your door waiting to pick your daughter up for a date with all those tattoos, I'd bet you'd be pretty reluctant to let her out of your sight, huh? We'll Call Jason Captain number 2, the storm chaser.

In this life, we will have storms. We will have things come about, and without a few bad experiences, Without trying things, and weathering a few storms, how do we learn? John seems like the perfect brother, doesn't he? But Captain number 1 has never once weathered a storm. He's never set sail in the middle of the Ocean and had the skies turn to a dark grey, and had to fight with every ounce of gumption inside him to stay alive, keeping his crew alive too. 

Jason though, he HAS. He's caused most of his storms, but none the less he's been educated by them. He's put his ship to sail during the Hurricane, and fought with sweat pouring from his brow to stay alive... To keep his ship sailing, and to save the lives of his crew. He knows that life can throw curves his way, AND he's weathered enough of those curves to know how to make it out alive.

What's my point? Don't judge a book by it's cover. Don't judge a human by their past, because chances are..... that kid with the tattoos that you look down on, and find yourself so harshly judging probably has a bit more knowledge about life than you are giving him credit for.

How about just turning over a new leaf today boys and girls? How about just NOT lending yourself to judge another when you have NO idea what kind of life they've lead, or the things that have transpired to bring them to where they are today, and next time you see a young man standing at your door waiting to pick your daughter up on a date, and you see that tattoo, or scar, or sign of a life lived not so perfectly, just remember... They've experienced a storm or two before, so, when the hurricane hits, Who would you rather be the Captain of that ship?!?

XOXOXOX

Stephanie

Closed mindedness!

Closed mindedness. 

Wake up people! Yours isn't the only right way, thought, belief, look, plan, and etc. You get my drift. 

Tonight I watched a show about the KKK and it disgusted, and sickened me. SERIOUSLY! What small minded Mississippi idiot decided to come up with an organization based entirely on hating/harming/killing folks because they were born a different shade of human than they were?! 

Who the hell do people think they are?! We're all made up of the same stuff. Same genetic make up. What makes any one person on this earth think that they are "better" than another based on ANYTHING, much less, their color?!?! 

Small minded ignorance. 

We think that if we turn the channel on the television, it doesn't exist. No, it's still real. It's still happening, and human beings are going through awful things all throughout the world. 

Children are born, and dying within minutes of birth from disease. There are countries where a common child's play area, is filled with human waste, nevermind the constant issue of starvation, lack of medical attention and etc. 

South Korea, oh South Korea. What's our stance? Ehh, we aren't "responsible" for them. THE HELL WE'RE NOT! They are humans just like we are, and regardless of who is Allies with who, or what the rules say, we have a duty to stand up for other human beings. Period. 

All the while, church groups run around seeking recognition for feeding the homeless in St. Louis. Excuse me, if I see that as a bit of a slap in the face of humanity. 

Please, don't ever let yourself become so closed minded, as to believe that if you turn the channel, the problem disappears. It doesn't. You've just turned a blind eye to it. 

Religion is more often used as an excuse for hatred than it ever has been for the love of good. 

The bible calls us to love our brothers and sisters, regardless. Remember that, always. 

Who are you to HATE someone for their sexual preferences? You don't have to like it, or agree, but you DO have to love them anyway. 

BE OPEN MINDED! 

Just because some of us live in a small town atmosphere doesn't mean that we have to subscribe to small town closed mindedness. We don't have to name drop on Facebook every time someone we all know gets caught with, or doing whatever. 

Raising a family isn't the only way to have a life or leave a legacy. 

Traveling around the world, isn't either. 

I'm not saying we all have to agree and live forced to agree with each other. 

Please, though: Sit down, get off your cloud of judgement, take your blinders off and for the love of humanity... BE OPEN MINDED!

Toodles! 

Love, Steph

You just don't hear it!

So I thought I had it all

I thought I had found the one 

And then like all the others

The fighting has just begun

The words cut like a knife

My heart bleeds from the sting

And alone am I here 

Even when I'm wearing your ring

How can you say those things

You don't see the bleeding?

You seem to lack concern

Which is the first step to your leaving

I sit here in silence

But my heart speaks so loud

Only to deaf ears

For anger becomes your cloud

I want to reach out

But my fears keep me still

I want to try to fix this

But I can't climb that hill 

I'm tired my love

Exhausted in my spirit

And I lift my voice once again 

But you just don't hear it...

Just a season, a vapor if you will...

I mistook your weakness for strength, and now the fog has cleared. 

I stood staring at you blankly, just like you've always feared 

My chains are gone, for the very thing that bound me, has finally been unwrapped from around me 

I'll leave only these words behind, for they are all that were real - your broken truths as you pretended to act on what you didn't feel. 

I suppose you were just a season, a vapor if you will, for I'm alive and well today,  love the girl you tried to kill. 

Business Meetings!

Business Meetings 

If there's one thing that I've come to learn, when it comes to business meetings, it's that there are always certain "parts" (if you will), played by certain folks, and this holds true for nearly every Business Meeting I've ever attended. The Next time you're in a business meeting, look for these roles, and quietly sit back, and laugh, once you've placed them. Which category do you fall in?

In every meeting, there will always be "The Cougher"- This person will disrupt the entire session by coughing uncontrollably for approximately 1-2 full minutes, and then act completely shy and embarrassed by this 120 seconds of nonsense, and profusely apologize. Yet, in the next meeting, the same will take place AGAIN. Just watch. You'll see. Did this person catch not the 24 hour bug, but the 2 minute bug? Swallow wrong? Choke? Or?? HA! 

Then, there's "The Talker" - No matter the topic at hand, or to what degree it's being discussed, there will always be the ONE PERSON who just cannot help themselves. They will need to have the floor. To talk. You'll notice that the conversation goes down a winding road to nowhere. The chatter continues, and content continues to decrease, only making this "meeting" more and more meaningless, and less and less engaging.

Ever met someone who always aims to please? Well, that leads us to "The Helper". The helper is always the martyr. He/She wants to go over & above to help. To assist. To make each detail of this meeting his/her own personal project. This person cannot overcome the need to please. He or She will trip all over themselves while trying to serve the team, or a certain person in that team. It's embarrassing, really, but throughout each meeting this person will kill themselves aiming to do the most for the cause.

Do not let silence fool you! You, across the table, with the glasses and raised eye brow, you're "The Note Taker". Each time someone speaks, there's smoke coming off the end of your pen, from rapidly writing every detail. You are on the edge of your seat just hoping that someone will soon speak, so you can again, skin that smoke wagon and go to work! Somebody call the 911, there's a fire in here! ha! Slow the led on the end of your pencil down, buddy, we ALL know this meeting is more about the idea to just have a meeting than it is any actual content. 

Finally, there's the one who is way too cool for school! This person is cocked way back in his/her chair. Feet propped up (if possible), shades on, blingy jewelry, and each second is valuable to "The Cool Cat", and we should all be clear that this meeting has gone into overtime, and is killing his/her social life. No one should have ever bugged The Cool Cat with this petty nonsense in the first place! Pssh! "I'm to sexy for this meeting" is dancing in his/her head as they force themselves to endure yet another millisecond of this misery everyone is referring to as a meeting. 

This pretty much sums up ANY business meeting EVER held. Enjoy, and laugh your buns off the next time you find yourself sitting at a long table, in mixed company, fitting each member into their own role in the "Business Meeting". 

Be careful what you speak!

So if there's one thing that I'm learning, it's that every single person on this earth has a "story" of their very own. Be careful that you don't harm, but rather build up the character of whomever you may be lucky enough to know.

I'll never forget the moment I read the words "ehh, she was just a rebound", written about me from someone I once loved, and gave my entire heart to. How could you give so much to someone who ultimately regarded you as nothing more than some pathetic "rebound". And, what does that even mean, anyway? Like, I was nothing more than a time filler. Some idiot he pretended to love, only so that he didn't have to be alone during that time period. Well, that's not on ME. It is what it is, but it wasn't on me. It was on HIM. 

What's my point? Those few words shattered my world for a moment in time. 

Be mindful not to let things slip off of your tongue that could potentially shatter someone's world for ANY length of time. No one on the planet deserves that. 

Furthermore, that comment reaffirmed everything I already knew. I was just a rebound. I mean, wasn't that all I ever was to anyone? I mean, I was a product of an "accident" when I was born, and just basically a burden from them on. My parents wanted to sell me, and with only one last pleading phone call from my grandmother, did I end up coming back on a plane from the town they had went to, to rid themselves of me. 

Now, I don't mean to make it sound like I was so mistreated. I was NOT. Quite the contrary, actually, I was probably given more love in my childhood than some folks ever receive in a lifetime. But, I always just "felt" something. I wasn't enough. Not good enough. 

Without knowing just that ONE story (there were many others), you'd never know I had all this stuff inside my head, and in my heart. 

^= my point exactly. We never ever know the story of someone else, and just how earth shattering that one thoughtless comment might be. 

Be careful, help rather than harm your brothers and sister. 

Much love, 

Steph

No, no. I don't "hate" children, you blubbering idiot....

It's been gossiped about me for a few years now that I "hate" children. I did some serious soul searching within to see if that rumor was, indeed, true. The answer is "no". I do not "hate" children, nor do I really "hate" anyone/anything (other than peas). ha ha!

Here's the deal: I come from a rather depressed area, whereby, children are more of an income to some people than they are a little blessing, or a gift from God (like they should be). This is the beginning of my "anti child" thought process.

My dad brought me up to be very independent. I was disciplined as an only child, and knew with just a "look" if I was messing up. I was taught that you don't interrupt an adult conversation, that it's not acceptable to fidget, tap, or otherwise annoy the person next to you, for ANY reason unless, of course, it was an emergency.

I knew wrong from right, and received many spankings along the way just to clarify that my knowledge was retained well, ha ha.

At the time, I HATED it. DESPISED it. But now... OH, but now... I'm thankful for every whippin' I got, both from mom and dad, because it's TAUGHT ME to be responsible, stand for "right", independence, and so many other life long characteristics that could never be traded for, or measured by,  any tangible or monetary thing.

Now- A- Days, though, shit doesn't go that way. It's excuse, after pathetic excuse for ridiculous behavior, and piss poor parenting. Oh, Little Johnny acts that way, because he's ill. Because his father/mother doesn't discipline him.... and my favorite the extremely over-diagnosed "ADD/ADHD" line of shit. Are you KIDDING ME? I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but IF it does, it's seriously over-diagnosed, and in my opinion has become an excuse to allow bullshit behavior, and lazy parenting. For certain, in not so long ago times, there was not such an illness, and if there was, it was QUICKLY cured by a spanking.

Nevermind the "I'm a poor single mother" mentality. That, truly, is the thing that I loathe more than any other related thing. These women have had sex with men, without protecting themselves, now have children, and believe that the rest of this world owes them a favor. They EXPECT things, and usually, they get them. They can attend college for free, free state aided heath insurance, heating and cooling assistance, food stamps, child support, and by the time you add it all up make far better than minimum wage just for having created a poor little life who will probably never get the attention that he/she needs. It's the largest crock of bologna I've ever seen, and it just keeps continuing, and continuing.

Today, I went out to a restaurant and paid for my dinner, just like the lady behind me. Over across the way, a mom and 3 kids lurk. Before I knew it, 2 of the 3 kids were screaming and crying. Do I REALLY not deserve to enjoy the peaceful meal that I JUST BOUGHT, because you fail to discipline your screaming kids?

I mustn't forget the fact that some parents lose their identity completely in parenting. Sally Jones the funny/sweet hairstylist is now, Sally Jones, mom of 3. Her social media profile picture is her kid, the majority of her posts are regarding her kid and the latest disgusting/horrifying thing that he/she did. It's gross to say the least.

I just LOVE when you have a dinner date/sleepover planned with a friend and they surprise you with their kids.

AHHH!

Now, how many mothers are actually going to read this with an open mind, and say to themselves 'you know, she's right'.... Only those who actually have the kind of children that I LOVE to be near.

How many people are going to judge me? Hate me?

Eh, oh well. My feelings won't change. Love me, or Hate me... this IS me.....

Something I've learned:

Hey, it's true.

If you don't look out for yourself, no one else will either.

Put your needs FIRST, because you're the only one who will.

I love how employers (past, present, and future), always seem to have the upper hand. It's really some kind of bullshit if you ask me.

They can fire you if they so choose, yet, you're supposed to give them 2 weeks notice. Fair? Not hardly.

You work seven years in a field only to find out that when you began you supposedly signed some ridiculous non-compete at the ripe age of 22 when you first began, which states that you will never work in that line again. Now, let me get this right. The employer has the right to hire someone else to do your job, but although they've moved on, you cannot.

How these "shrewd business people" can look at themselves in the mirror, knowing that they are dictating the kind of career path you're allowed to take, blows my mind. Personally, I don't think I could live with myself if I knew that I limited the potential success of someone else. 

Some days I think that by taking the high road, I'll be granted some kind of awesomeness in the future, but I've yet to see that come to pass. Still, I will press on.

Nothing, not even this, will stop my future success. But, I think Karma will come back to bite you in the ass for your actions!