The difference between love & lust/ sexual desires.
He was my drug. His words were my next hit, as I was ever so high on a fairytale that didn't include "happily ever after".
So many sins wrapped in just one being, the blackness in his heart shining brighter than a spotlight in my eye, causing me to squint, and then feel nauseas.
What a tangled web he wove, and yet, somehow- there I was, wrapped up in this dark disgusting corner, like an insect right before the spider goes in for his final kill.
And as natural as our breathing, he dismembered me piece by piece, heart first of course.... Or was it last, so I would suffer as long as possible?
I never loved him. I didn't understand his heart or his motives. I didn't respect him. I never did. So really, I was an addict. Addicted to the facade he created just for me, which was no more real than the fake bullshit he so desperately loved to watch on WWF.
It took some growing up. Some wising up. A whole lot of God. And...... A best friend. A REAL love. The depth of my love for the man I chose to marry, to ACTUALLY cause me to see him for what he is.
The shadow of a man, who intensely wishes he could follow through with a task even as simple as breathing ON HIS OWN. But..... He can't. He never could.
Dependent and preying on the soul of another for his own survival. His drug? Hiding behind the depth & solidity of an actual person to some how find a place for his shadow to exist.
Are his words your drug? You silently close your eyes when he's not around and replay something he said/did and all of the sudden, just like the real thing, your stomach falls as though you're on a roller coaster going down, and back up again?
Does every split second of every day need to be spent making contact with him via some form or another?
Are you truly allowed to be YOU?
Are you able to normally function in society without feeling the inner calling to surround yourself with all things HIM?
Real, true, solid, honest, LOVE requires none of that. Rather than feeling bound, and weighed down, yyou've never felt more free!
Rather than the constant insane contact, you just learn to love and be yourself, and in doing so, you appreciate each word so much more.... Because..... It's real.
Never get wound up in the web I was in, instead seek that confident soul who stands on his own, for those are the roots of TRUE love rather than the facade of lust.
