I don't even love you enough, to hate you anymore...

You know those crazy moments when you love someone so much,  that one sentence can shatter your entire world? The power we give over ourselves to those we love, can be debilitating. It's crippling at times. Looking back to some of my past, I felt like a total humble mess.

But, What's even more scary, is when you get so numb, that you get to a point that you just no longer care. You just.don't.care.

I have gotten there before, and it's such a dark place. I'd rather care, and ride the roller coaster, than just not care at all.

But hey- he caused it, and now? I don't even love him enough to hate him anymore.

Pets!

Pets 

I guess I will never ever get it. I'm okay with not getting it. Everyone is different. So very very different.

Why, do women willingly change shitty diapers for the first however many years of a childs life, but yet, throw in the towel if a pet needs cleaned up after? Why aren't pets important enough? They are loving, living, breathing, species just like we are. Why are their inadequacies intolerable to the point of "getting rid" of him or her? 

How the hell would you like it if every time you made a mistake, your parents or your spouse were going to "get rid of" you? 

Worse yet, the mistakes and inadequacies of a certain pet might even cause them death in some instances. 

Just absolutely makes me fucking sick to my stomach.

A pet is a child. An innocent being that NEEDS YOU to survive. They are going to make mistakes, miss the mark, and do things wrong just like anyone/anything else. Choose to accept it before accepting the pet, or skip it altogether. 

And at the very least, keep your shit to yourself. My heart hurts for helpless, defenseless, animals, and I don't want to fucking hear how anyone mistreats them. SO, at the very least, shut the fuck up about it. 

 

 

What a day, and it's only 2:20

Do you ever have days that you feel like laying your head on your desk and balling? Yeah- that's today. 

As I write this, I think, what's the point? Nobody really cares or wants to read this anyway. Probably true. So fine! I'm writing this for me.

I HATE awkward conversations, and I hate it even more when someone takes it upon themselves to belittle you, talk down to you, and make rude comments. That's pretty much how my day started. 

Luckily, I am in a position to go visit clients, and also pretty luckily it was getting close to my 11:00 AM appointment. So, I buckle up, turn on some music, and off I go. Until I'm dead stopped on 44, less than a mile from the exit I need. I was there for 40 + minutes, which of course made me extremely late. I watched as people got out of their vehicle and stood with their hands on their hips in frustration. I watched the chopper fly off, and I said a prayer for whomever may have been hurt. 

Pretty soon, the van door of the person in front of me opens, and out comes this adorable little doggy. Not on a leash. On the side of the road, with east bound traffic moving like normal. My stomach was in knots, just hoping and praying this little innocent animal doesn't lose his life in front of me, and I'm simultaneously pretty irritated with his owner. I mean, who does that?! What an idiot! Ugh! Thank God he went back into his van fairly quickly. 

After some time, traffic opens up, and I begin my journey again.... Got to visit my client, which was pleasant! I thought yay, this day is getting better! It's going to improve!

I just bought a new car, and along with it comes lifetime free car washes. So next, I went to go get one, and the garage door is down, and the "out of order" sign posted.  So, I find another one down the road, go inside, pay my $7, and head around back to enter. Big lit up "open" sign.  I Pull up to enter my wash code, and the digital screen has a scrolling "car wash closed" sign. By this point, I'm like REALLY? And I audibly say out loud "Jesus please help me today." I pull back around, get my refund and off I go, again. Finally, at the 3rd stop, get my car washed. Mediocre, but- none the less, washed. 

On to my next couple of clients, and then to lunch with my dear husband. He takes me to a restaurant I've never been before. We go in, order, and some 30 mins later get my hot wings and fries. I mean- how could you mess up a few wings? Yeah. I love hot stuff! These babies, though? They were unbearable. I'm fairly sure that this sauce was creamy ground habaneros, and my mouth is on FIRE ! By this point, I'm ready to either cry, or punch something and I'm not sure which is the better option. 

The whole time, I'm feeling guilty for feeling like a spoiled rotten brat. At least I'm not the guy in that helicopter, and at least we could afford to eat. Some can't. 

None the less, I'm over it today, and it's now 2:40. Pray for me, guys- pray for me. I'm still hungry, and I still have the rest of the day. And I know I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes! 

Love Vs. Lust

The difference between love & lust/ sexual desires. 

He was my drug. His words were my next hit, as I was ever so high on a fairytale that didn't include "happily ever after". 

So many sins wrapped in just one being, the blackness in his heart shining brighter than a spotlight in my eye, causing me to squint, and then feel nauseas. 

What a tangled web he wove, and yet, somehow- there I was, wrapped up in this dark disgusting corner, like an insect right before the spider goes in for his final kill. 

And as natural as our breathing, he dismembered me piece by piece, heart first of course.... Or was it last, so I would suffer as long as possible?

I never loved him.  I didn't understand his heart or his motives. I didn't respect him. I never did. So really, I was an addict. Addicted to the facade he created just for me, which was no more real than the fake bullshit he so desperately loved to watch on WWF. 

It took some growing up. Some wising up. A whole lot of God. And...... A best friend. A REAL love. The depth of my love for the man I chose to marry, to ACTUALLY cause me to see him for what he is. 

The shadow of a man, who intensely wishes he could follow through with a task even as simple as breathing ON HIS OWN. But..... He can't. He never could. 

Dependent and preying on the soul of another for his own survival. His drug? Hiding behind the depth & solidity of an actual person to some how find a place for his shadow to exist. 

Are his words your drug? You silently close your eyes when he's not around and replay something he said/did and all of the sudden, just like the real thing, your stomach falls as though you're on a roller coaster going down, and back up again? 

Does every split second of every day need to be spent making contact with him via some form or another? 

Are you truly allowed to be YOU? 

Are you able to normally function in society without feeling the inner calling to surround yourself with all things HIM? 

Real, true, solid, honest, LOVE requires none of that. Rather than feeling bound, and weighed down, yyou've never felt more free! 

Rather than the constant insane contact, you just learn to love and be yourself, and in doing so, you appreciate each word so much more.... Because..... It's real. 

Never get wound up in the web I was in, instead seek that confident soul who stands on his own, for those are the roots of TRUE love rather than the facade of lust. 

Attitude!

Attitude

I’m sitting here beyond irritated, and I’m wondering how others endure this exact same crap, and yet still manage to remain super positive. I mean, nothing THAT detrimental has happened today, but nonetheless it’s been enough to irritate me, and as we all know negativity breeds more negativity and before you know it, you’ve had a day of it, and then a week and so on.

I, at least, realize that a good portion of the problem truly IS me.

Plans change, your lunch order took longer than you’re allowed for lunch, the boss said your name in a less than pleasant manner, EVERY light on the way to work was red, when you were already late to begin with.. and all you want to do is go home, but it’s only 2:30, and you’ve still got another few hours. Not THAT bad, right? I know, I know, AND I agree, but today, I just feel like I’m the proverbial “bug”.

I have questioned what the magic thing is that people do, that gets them through irritating days like this, with a BETTER attitude than the one I have. I wish I knew that answer, but I don’t. I’m seething, and beyond irritated at more than one thing.

So, What do we do to turn this around? Take a deep breath? Write? Listen to music? Take another deep breath? Just go home, go to bed, and try again, all while remembering that life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we choose to react to it!?!

For me, I’m just finally now able to take a deep, peaceful breath. Why? Because I identified the problem, the actual root of the thing, and eliminated it. Now, I’m writing it out, which is another form of release for me.

Find the root of what is really bothering you, and eliminate it, then flush the remainder out of your system, by deep breathing, writing, singing, or going to a quiet place for 4 minutes of “yourself” time. Every one of us has to figure out which method of a release/cleanse works for us, and then use that method continually on days like today.

Finally, practice positivity! Remind yourself of all the things that you DO have to look forward to! All the the things that you love, and are excited about in this life. Worst case scenario, you’ve got a few hours left of the day, and tomorrow is shiny and new. So, endure for the next few hours practicing to remain positive about things that DO make you happy.

Find the Root!

Cleanse yourself of it!

Flush the remains!

Practice Positivity!

Much love to you all,

Stephanie Fitzgerald 

Friendships

Friendships

 

I have purposely been avoiding writing on this topic, not only to save the feelings of others’, but also because my own heart has suffered a few friendship blows lately, and I’d rather not rehash all that. But, then again, without rehashing it, how can I grow, and how can this situation NOT be wasted, if it isn’t shared with others who may be going through something similar? Rather, I believe that by writing about it, with God’s help, I’m taking what Satan meant for bad, and turning it into something good. That’s the hope, anyway…

 

What is a friend? It’s simply someone that you feel, and think fondly about. Someone you regard with happiness, and warm feelings. Someone you TRUST, and enjoy sharing parts of your life with, and in the same regard, enjoy sharing in parts of theirs. It’s a symbiotic relationship based on a mutual love, and admiration for one another.

Ole Mr. Webster describes it like this:

Friend -a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

 

As I write this, I’m beginning to wonder which direction this is really going, as what’s on my heart has SO MUCH to do with Trust/Loyalty/Friendships. I suppose that now would be a good time to pray for guidance about how to properly put into words what has been on my heart for so long, and that whichever direction this blog goes, the points I’m trying to make remain clear, and precise. Okay, Prayer sent up!

 

We choose our friends by whose company we enjoy, and by those we have things in common with. Sometimes those things in common change, therefore changing the entire dynamic of the friendship. Sometimes bringing someone closer to you, and others, further away. This is life. We have to be willing to expect these things when we allow our hearts to become vulnerable by making the decision to trust, and allow another person to be close to us.

 

I take responsibility, FULL responsibility for those whom I’ve allowed to come into my life, whether they entered for a reason, season, or lifetime. We MUST take responsibility for this, in order to put things into perspective, and grow, and move on from them.

 

From experience, people will SHOW you who they are, early on, and then they will continue to reveal themselves to you over and over, and OVER again. If you fail to pick up on those signs, or make the choice to overlook them, then you/I have NO right to be shocked/repulsed when something we noticed waaay back in the beginning happens to come full circle, and land on US. The point of this paragraph is- BE SELECTIVE IN WHO YOU ALLOW INTO YOUR LIFE, AND HEART.

 

Sometimes, we have the difficult task of shutting out someone we really love, and this, has come to be the most painful thing, to me. I have no words to describe how gut wrenching it is to HAVE to close the door on someone you once laughed with, loved, and shared so much of life with. It’s like a break up, only worse, in some ways. I don’t have the words to describe how hard this has been for my life. It’s literally been life changing, but at this same time, I KNOW that the door NEEDED to be closed in order for my OWN life to continue on, in peace. You have to look out for yourself first & foremost. It’s really true.. If you don’t, no one else will either, and you’ll become the world’s biggest doormat.

 

I believe in facing your fears head on, which is why I’m trembling as I open the threshold to this next topic. Trust. Betrayal. Loyalty.  3 of the largest, and potentially most painful/joyous words that I know. If you have those things, appreciate them with all your soul. Let the person who holds those things for you, KNOW how dear they are to your life. Show them that the relationship is priceless to you.

 

If someone breaks your trust, betrays you, or is otherwise disloyal, it causes a type of pain in you that is hard to bounce back from. I’ve had a hell of a time with this over the last year, and the minute I think I’m over it, I find something else out, and I’m back at square one again. I guess you could say that I’m in a type of rut. When it happens more than once, or with more than one friend, you reflect, and search your soul for all the areas inside you that SUCK, and before you know it your thoughts/emotions are so jumbled that you cannot decipher which way is up or down anymore.

Was it this? Was it that? WHY? What did I do to deserve it? How can he/she look at themselves after such a betrayal? How can they look at ME after such an incident? See?!!! Your head will end up doing a full on exorcist twist if you allow all that to become part of your daily routine. 

People are people. They are just who they are, and sometimes that just means that they are assholes. Pretentious hollow assholes, and who they are doesn't have to reflect on who YOU are. 

For your own sanity, and because we're called to... Forgive them. That doesn't mean you have to reinvite them into your life, but you can and SHOULD forgive them. It lifts the weight off of your own heart, when you do. 

Maybe life isn't meant to be ironed out so nicely and neatly. Maybe it's just simple. Love who loves you. Make efforts to show love. Live! Be yourself! And if someone, ANYONE cannot handle the truest you- show them the nearest exit. 

Life is meant to be enjoyed, happily. Not walking around on pins and needles, masking parts of who you are to suit another. 

I'm a lot of things in life, no doubt, but I'm also nothing short of real, honest, loyal and true. 

Accept who you can, knowing that you must accept ALL of them, and cut loose anyone you cannot accept in entirety. Don't take it to heart if someone decides they cannot accept YOU, either. It just means they aren't up to the challenge of who you are AT THIS POINT, and be open to that being an ever changing process. 

Toodles, for now, 

All my love, 

Stephanie

I welcome the Coffee Phase!

The Coffee Phase

Really, there’s nothing different about this morning than any other morning, well, nothing but the most important thing. I’ve slowed down enough to recognize and appreciate all that is in front of me.

I didn’t wake up for work with 2 minutes to spare, and having to rush out the door in a stupor to avoid being insanely late. Rather, I woke up, sipped my coffee, stared at the beauty of the blooms blowing off of the trees, watched the playfulness of the squirrels as they “fought” with the birds over the last peanut.

In this moment, as I sit here in my sun room, life is exactly as it’s meant to be. My husband and I are best friends, and this old house of mine has so much character, and charm. In this very moment, I’m exactly where I’ve always been meant to be.

I welcome this new “Coffee Phase”

I used to be a PARTY ANIMAL, going out 5 out of 7 nights a week, not appreciating the REAL beauty of life, but rather just existing from moment to moment, hanging on to a thread of life entangled with cocktail after cocktail, bar after bar, and one hopeful “date” after the other, just praying for some kind of solidity. Praying and longing for something whole.

“I welcome this new “coffee Phase” with OPEN ARMS!

I’m a wife, who appreciates the luster of life, the peacefulness, the love, the goodness of one’s soul, and all things as deep.

I’ve been in the trenches, but finally, I’m right where I should be, in this old house of mine, with the love of my life, and our lovely 2 fur children. I’m the luckiest of lucky.